Saturday, November 26, 2011

How to "Not Give a Damn"

An old friend of mine (…well, he’s 29… not that old) recently asked how to leave care behind when hitting on women in a social setting.  I thought I would try to help, in the form of written word on a screen.  Here are some things to keep in mind to help you "not give a damn" when hitting on chicks...

There’s Nothing to Lose
The first thing to bare in mind is that you are risking nothing.  If it goes well the reward could be great, but if it doesn’t your costs are minimal.  A drink?  Some time?  These things are a small price to pay for the opportunity to meet someone interesting.  Go for it.  There’s no reason not to.  If the lady of your attention does not respond well to your affection, move on.  Don’t take it to heart.  Screw her.  It’s her loss, and you’re no worse off than you were 10 minutes prior.

She’s only a Human
Although she might have beautiful eyes, smooth skin and an ass you would eat peanut putter off… she’s only human.  No matter what her parents told her growing up, she is not a princess.  She has flaws and insecurities and baggage just like the rest of us.  You’re not hitting on Miss September, 2010… you’re hitting on a real estate agent who drives a Toyota.  Treat her as such.  If she’s out of your league and you approach her timidly… you are guaranteed to fail.  If you consider no one “untouchable” then any woman in the place is… touchable.

Options are Limitless
So you strike out a couple times… don’t let it get you down.  Move on.  There are plenty of places to go and plenty of potential mates all around you.  Just because you liked that blonde from the first bar doesn’t mean she should still be on your mind as you approach someone else an hour later.  Let it go.  Move on and keep an open mind.  The more spaghetti you throw against a wall, the better the chances are that something might stick...

You’re Not Alone
Guess what… they’re looking for you.  In physics every force has an equal and opposite force.  You’re pushing for a lady… there’s a lady out there pushing for a you.  Don’t forget that.  If you feel like you’re all alone and nobody wants you… that will be the energy you put out there.  Send a vibe of… “hey, I’m a good dude… you should want to know me.”  If you're in the right place at the right time you are sure to eventually run across your equal opposite.  Wait for it...

Animals Smell Fear
It’s like cologne.  The scent that moves around with you is the first thing a woman smells when you come near her.  Do you want her to smell fear, doubt and insecurity… or playfulness, lightheartedness and confidence?  You don’t want to be arrogant, but you want to give a vibe that you’re on top of things.  You want the lady-folk to look at you and say, “wow… I’d like to talk to him.”

Play it cool.  Confident and self-assured.  Don’t take it too seriously.  If that chick isn’t interested… forget her.  There’s no reason to give a damn… so don’t.  The “who cares” attitude is a good one to sport when you’re out hunting.  Laugh it off… smile a lot, and joke around with your wingmen.  Women will see you having a good time and want to be included.

… if none of this works, buy an expensive car and wait outside the club.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why Bother?

Seems like most people today
are too selfish for relationships.

They've carved out what they
consider to be a life that makes
sense to them, and they live it.

When you get involved with
another person, you have to
adjust to their schedule, as
well as their habits and

People don't want to compromise.

Every single female I know
is looking for the same thing.
Some guy on a horse from
a Disney movie they saw
when they were young.

They're 6's and 7's...
...but they all want a 10.

Sorry, lady... you're not
actually a princess.

A long term relationship
is not easy, no matter how
it starts or at what age...

Compromise and respect
go a long way and those
are traits that you don't
hear too often in any
songs on the radio.

Love yourself.
... but be realistic.

Be good to each other.
It comes back around.

- John

Friday, October 7, 2011

Marijuana to be Legalized this Frday!

John Powers
Field Reporter

In a surprising move, the US Congress has decided to legalize the marijuana plant and simultaneously take cigarettes off shelves.  Cigarettes are a leading cause of cancer, addiction, and bad breath.  Marijuana on the contrary is the leading cause of "chilling," "creative invention," "artistic creation," and has a surprising calming effect on anyone who takes it into their system.  

We have long known the negative effects of smoking cigarettes, and the people have finally convinced the government that we don't want them available to us anymore.  After years of ineffective 'anti-smoking campaigns', paid for by the tobacco companies as subliminal advertising... they finally realized the only way to stop people from smoking cigarettes is to take them off the shelves.  The idea to replace cigarettes with "doobies" was simply logical.

Marijuana is not addictive.  The only reason people do it every day is because it feels so nice.  The only known side effect of marijuana is paranoia, but that will likely subside after legalization... when people no longer need to feel like a criminal when they have a joint.

There are several way to consume marijuana.  The most common method is to smoke it, either rolled like a cigarette, or in a pipe or bong.  Some people prefer to eat it.  If you choose to go this route, the most common method is to include it in brownie or cake mix.  Make sure you have plenty of other munchies handy.

The reason the government has been putting this move off for so long is because they were in bed with the tobacco industry.  Also, once the product became legal money-hungry politicians were nervous that it would be too hard to regulate growing processes.  Marijuana has long been known for the "weed" aspects of this product.  It grows fairly easily in most normal agricultural conditions.  Thanks to the downfall of the economy and the housing market, nobody owns land anymore... so congress thought it was finally safe to legalize.  

The versatile cannabis plant can also be used to make rope, clothing, paper, and many other useful products.  It will be interesting to watch how quickly the rainforests grow back. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

New Robot Acts Like a Human!

Computers have taken another step towards becoming human this week. In an unprecedented study, research teams from five really expensive and elitist colleges decided to install a program that mimics human brain processes as well as social and behavioral patterns. 

The computer, aptly nicknamed "H.A.R.R.Y. (Human Attributes Robotically Replace You)" was given the median human traits of modern-day Americans. The traits were taken from a cross section of people where age, race, income, location, diet, activity and desires were all considered. The results of this data collection were added to a new processing program.

Once the new program was installed, Harry started acting more like the average American. After five years of studying him... the results have finally been published. Harry started as an ordinary robot. He cleaned your house and pool, and made sure intruders didn't steal your dog. After the new behavioral program was installed, research teams watched as Harry became quite lazy. In a matter of two weeks he stopped all cleaning efforts. Within a year he had gained 50 pounds. By the end of the five-year program, he was hardly recognizable, even by those who had known him best. At the beginning of the study, Harry did not care for television... now he watches at least 4 hours of it a day.

When the program started, Harry the Human Computer Robot was given $50,000 in his very own bank account. Three years into the program, not only had he depleted the account, he also owed $25,000 on credit cards he had signed up for. The house he purchased was more than he could afford and is now being foreclosed upon.  On top of that, he was let go from his job recently due to downsizing.

At the start of the study, Harry was quite social with other robots and had frequent gatherings with artists and deep thinkers, typically over wine and cheese. By the end of the 2nd year, half of his friends stopped calling him and the other half expected to watch TV and eat junk food whenever they ventured over to Harry's place. They described his situation as, "a sad demonstration of what the human experience can do to a fine, upstanding robot."

Although some might call this experiment a complete failure... others would say it is the first step towards diagnosing the problems that come with being human. Some say that further experiments must be conducted using only the positive traits of select groups of society... others say that is a grossly biased method of furthering robot snobbery. No matter what the future of robot/human intermingling will be, one thing is clear... Americans are mostly fat, lazy, antisocial, and bad with money.

2011 Studying Things U People Indirectly Demand (S.T.U.P.I.D.)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Woods Pulls Out

Did he not read my last
blog post about him?!

Tiger woods pulled out
of the 2011 Players Championship.
(haha, he pulled out...)

Do you know what that does?
It makes sponsors pull out.
It makes the golf unwatchable.

Nobody cares about Lucas Glover.

I'm tired of athletes claiming injury
when what's really going on is... 
...they're not playing well.

Just admit, "well, I wasn't playing well."

Nope.  They make an excuse.
They get a doctor's note.
Their Mom signs it.
(or they forge it)

... and lose.



- John

The Day America Died

The following is an article I submitted to the 
NYTimes Editorial section this past December (2010).  

They decided not to publish it, 
so I decided to publish it here... on my blog.
One thing is clear in the current state of affairs: This cannot go on much longer.  The illusion of progress through technology and convenience has only served as a distraction from the dissolving of traditional family life and the continuing contamination of our natural habitats.  Our society cannot go on this way for long.  Already our currency is failing (as well as our housing markets) and the price of gold (and oil) keeps rising.  People are losing faith in the American Dream, and losing their jobs as well.  Why should we live within our means and plan for the future when our own government is bankrupt and our National Dept is an unfathomable number?  We are tired of paying taxes to special interest groups and pork-barrel spending.  Our President promised us "change" and we each dreamed of the specific changes we would want... but they never happened. 
Looking back at the history of this great nation makes modern man wonder, 'Where did we go wrong?'  Did it start with computers, cell phones and the internet?  No.  Was it microwaves and fast-food replacing hour-long family meals?  Maybe.  Could cars and planes replacing boats and trains be to blame?  You're getting warmer...
The day America died was the day the first assembly-lines replaced hand-crafted products.  When "Coke" replaced "Soda-pop."  America lost its values on the day that washing machines replaced scrub-basins.  We took appliances into our homes, and the factories building them decided to make us completely reliant upon them.  We do not own our products, our products own us.  Not only do we depend on our refrigerators and dryers, but most of us cannot imagine a life without them.  That's when the appliance manufacturers turned radios into televisions.  Our daily lives are consumed by a voyeuristic fascination on daily disasters and celebrities.  Most people can name each winner of American Idol, yet have nobody in their lives to idolize.  We aspire to achieve financial and material prosperity, but the value of our principals is falling quicker than the value of the dollar.  It's time to start paying attention to the man behind the curtain.  The machine has won, people, and we didn't even go down with a fight.  What will you do when your power fails, the satellites that control your cell phone stop working... and you can't post a Facebook status about it?  The Angry Birds will crush the pigs in their comfy structures, but what will it take to make the angry people jump into the slingshot? 
Unplug your appliances before the power goes out on America.

A Penny Saved...

A penny saved is a waste of time.
Coinstar takes 9%, but nobody cares.
That's 9 dollars for every hundred.
You can still buy a lot for 9 bucks.
... at least a decent lunch.

Americans are too lazy to give a damn.
They're rather have less money and
more of the things money can buy.

We don't want 100K in the bank,
we want a 30K sports-car to drive.
We don't want to save anything.
We'd rather enjoy life now.

My logic behind this is...
The money looks weird,
and the advertising agencies
have gotten the best of us.

When you were a kid, you could
name the president on the front
of every coin and every bill.

I saw a penny the other day
that had some kind of a shield
on the back of it instead of the
all-so-familiar Lincoln Memorial.

The nickel has been changed
recently as well... I had no idea.
In the 1990's, the 100, 50 and 20
were all given a makeover.

In 2003, the 20 was redesigned again,
and in 2004 there was a new 50.

2006 gave us new 10 dollar bills,
and in 2008, the 5 finally joined
in the redesign party...

Back to the advertising thing...
If we weren't such consumers,
we might still have a few of
these strange looking bills
in a bank somewhere.

We don't want them.

Instead of buying a new iPod,
or re-sodding the grass to out-do
your neighbor... perhaps you
should have saved a bit of
green for that day when
you lost your job.

Advertisements have us beat.
We'd rather have a Bud Light
(America's beer?!  It's Belgian-owned)
than I nice tall glass of water.
(there's probably less carcinigens
in the beer than the water...)

Get rid of the penny.
Redesign the $1 bill.
Keep buying crap you don't need,
and watch how quickly your
money becomes worthless.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Friend of a Friend...

My old friend Shanté
(she's not that old)
posted the following
article on "Thought Catalog"

This ^ is her.

Please read it.
... then read my response.
(as it appears below)

Strange seeing it from the female perspective.
I've often wondered what girlfriends have meant
when they said that they weren't ready to get serious
or tie themselves into an exclusive relationship just yet.

You're right, men like having the option of "yes" at our disposal.
... but often we dispose of it without ever giving it a fair chance.

There is a movement of young educated people towards
fulfilling one's own desires and finding one's own happiness
before considering getting attached to someone else's...
It's important to be sure you're ready to settle down
before you do so (that's why it's called settling),
but it's also important to share in the warmth
of the trust and comforts of another human.

All too often we focus on the immediate
rewards and lack the patience to see
long-term potentials of opportune
cost materialize. That's the main
reason that people in our age-
range are continuing to put
off long-term commitment
for the instantaneous benefits
of a quickie or a non-substantial
relationship. Why suffer through
the hard times when it's completely
unnecessary at this point in our lives?

Have we learned nothing from the mistakes
of our elders in the premature consummation
of a lack-luster relationship? Forget about your
second marriage... choose your first one just a bit
more carefully, and be sure that it's what will make
you the happiest for as far as you can project into the
future of your life. If nobody you've found can fulfill your
requirements... then wait it out. Time will differentiate the
meaningless from the substantial and you'll be glad you waited.

It is more wise to wait for what we think we want than to settle
for something we know we like but may not love... it is better
to be alone than to be locked into something that doesn't
make you feel completely satisfied in important ways.

Thanks for writing.
You have a way with words, Ms. Cosmé.

There.  I plugged a friend's
article, and got my feelings
out at the same time - cathartic.

Maybe writing a blog on dating
and relationships will help me
the next time I get in one.

- John

Friday, April 8, 2011

Tiger Woods is a Loser

There is currently an argument about
Tiger woods, concerning whether 
or not he will ever win again.

The answer is simple.

Tiger Woods as we knew him
died on November 27th, 2009.

The guy currently posing as
the golfer formally known as
Tiger Woods is a loser.

He knows nothing of being
confident, or resistant to pressure.
His head is a whirlwind of lies,
and the shame of being found out.
He will never be the same.

Golf is a game of extreme focus,
and having confidence in your shots.
This man is the antithesis of focus,
and his shots are nothing like
what they once were...

Tiger Woods will never win again.

Sleeping with cocktail waitresses,
and getting away with it was an 
integral reason why this guy
was so confident.  He no 
longer feels that way.
He was a fraud.
The all-new "Cry-baby Tiger" action figure...  coming soon.

A guy that many looked at as
a Superman is no longer invincible.

He is human.  He is flawed.
... and he will never be the same.

Other golfers used to look at him
and immediately question their
own skills and resources...

Not anymore.

He will never be #1 in the world again.
This guy is barely making the top 10.

Tiger Woods will never win again.

... you can quote me on that.

- John Powers

Sunday, April 3, 2011

... on being a Mets fan

There is currently a huge uproar
over an Audio-guy at SNY airing
a clip from "Family Guy"
in which Stewie says
that being a Mets

I'm not sure what the big deal is.
Firstly, was anyone watching
the post-game show at all?

.. I was at the opening game in Miami,
and the only reason I stayed till the end
was for the fireworks display.

(which was definitely not Grucci, by the way)

Secondly, it's true.
...being a Mets fan is not easy.

Also, this is the most press SNY
has gotten since Joe DeRosa
played the guy with a TV for a head.

(... and this lesser-known commercial)

Think of it this way... at least
Mets fan have something to
talk about other than the
fact that the team sucks,
and the owners are
broke due to a 
pyramid scheme.

As a former employee of SNY,
I can tell you that the crew there
spends more time watching
Family Guy than any show
that airs on SportsNet NY.

 (as do most viewers in their target market)

Maybe this should be an eye-opener.
Instead of being pissed-off, SNY
fat-cats should consider taking
a look at some comedic programming
to distract people from their crappy team.

Let's face it... being a Mets fan is hard.
Almost as hard as it is for Wright, Reyes,
or (why is he on the field?) Beltran to get a hit.

...but we still watch.

Let's go Mets.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen - American Hero

It's finally happened.

South Park "Die Hippie, Die"
The hippies started self-expression
in this country, which led to music
describing the real feelings of teens
through the poems of Morrison and
Cobain alike; finally Eminem created
at atmosphere where anything can be
said and everything must be accepted.

Enter: Charlie Sheen.
Photo courtesy: 20/20
 Major League II kicked ass.
Hot Shots part Deux rocked.
...and 2.5 Men is the hottest
show currently on Jewvision.
(I'm allowed to say that, because I'm black... I mean, Jewish)
"Color-bars" on a cartoon Television
Suddenly we see a man that
just doesn't give a damn.
Nothing is off-limits.
Everything is real.

A crazy-person's idea of "honesty"

It's that honestly that people
are having such a hard time
accepting and understanding.

Just because someone doesn't
fit into the mold of modern
consumarist American norms
doesn't mean they're insane
or on drugs or need help.
A bunch of constipated doctors.

The guy is fine.
He's living with pornstars.
... I think he's doing quite well.
Sheen with his "Goddesses"...
His rant on 20/20 reminded me
of seeing Norm MacDonald at
Caroline's on Broadway
two years ago.
Norm: Blacklisted from every Network on TV...

A guy who doesn't give a fuck
about the game or the ladder...

...or whose ass he's supposed
to kiss to keep his job.
I commend this guy for
saying what he believes,

Even though this is the
5th sign of the apocolypse,
it's worth it to watch
"ordinary people"
get uncomfortable.

- John

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Laughter, the Best Medicine...

So I'm planning a tour.
Writing like crazy.
Performing about once a week.
(the most since leaving NYC)
...and writing a bunch of sketches.

It feels good to be creative,
and let the imagination
run as wild as two
escaped chimps
down main st.
in traffic...

Life is good.
The beach is beautiful.
Everything is alright.
- John