Today is January 2nd, which means day 2 without a cigarette. There are millions of people around the world telling themselves that they can do it this time. Day 2 came quick and soon it will be day 3. I don't really need to smoke, but I really want to.
All around the world quitters are giving in today. They are making excuses for going back to their addiction. They are saying, "resolutions are stupid anyway," and, "I'll quit when I'm damn ready," and, "it was a good idea but we all know it's not gonna happen."
My resolution is resolute. My mind is made up. This time is for real. I'll just drink more. I'll chew gum. I already bought 4 bags of sunflower seeds. That will get me through the weekend. I don't feel too bad. I really want a cigarette but I don't really need one. My friend Peter is going outside now. He didn't bother with a quitting resolution. He knows it's bullshit. I could bum a butt from him and feel that familiar tingle in no time.
...but I won't. I don't need it. Already the poison is draining from my pores and leaving my system. By the end of the week I will be breathing better and feeling healthier. All I need is a month. It's cold outside anyhow. If I can last a month this time will be the last. This time is for real and I am no longer a smoker.
Well, my article went viral.
Great. Now I can check that off my list.
The reporter from the New York Post nearly orgasmed when I assured him it was true. The reporter from Metro NY said, "I wish 100,000 people saw something I wrote." My article was discussed on Inhabitat and Gothamist. Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly both publicly dismissed my article, and even the New York City Department of Transportation had to make a statement on their Facebook page (below) to clear up any confusion. Over 250,000 saw it. It was really a wild couple of days.
... but nothing in my life has changed. I did not make any money off of this. I did not get a gig writing for the Onion. Edward Snowden did not call me. I will not be on Letterman tonight. Yet it feels good that so many people reacted to an idea that I came up with. It wasn't a hoax. It was a not-so-far-fetched story based on an exaggeration of reality. It was a clever idea and feasible enough that quite a few people thought it was real. I now know the secret of going viral. Where do I go from here? Hopefully someone will realize that social media prowess is powerful and find a way to turn one of the hardest-working comedians in New York City into a media cash cow. At the very least I will laugh anytime I see a Citi Bike. I'll always have this moment in time to look back on and feel good about the fact that what I wrote had an impact on people.
I was talking about it with a friend on the bus and a woman turned around and said, "are you guys talking about the cameras on the CitiBikes? My friend in Albuquerque told me about that..." I laughed for about an hour.
An apparent follow-up craze to the "Knockout Game," has finally arrived in the Big Apple. Pedestrians in New York City have recently taken to flicking cigarettes at people walking by. These butt-snipers are now being referred to as "Flickers." Reports of "Flicking" have spread throughout the five boroughs. It seems there is no clear motive for the attacks. Instead of discarding a cigarette butt in the proper receptacles or adding to the litter in the streets, these assailants take a lit cigarette and flick it at an unsuspecting passerby. The Flickers seem to attack indiscriminately and even haphazardly.
They appear to be ordinary smokers, about to finish a cigarette, but then it flies your way. Attacks range from point-blank range at 2 feet to an impressive 10-foot fling by highly skilled Flickers. There is no pattern to the type of cigarettes being flicked either. It seems like these sidewalk terrorists are seeking to punish the city that has shunned them. A report filed by one Flicker (who refused to be identified) informed this reporter that, "(Mayor) Bloomberg has done everything in his power to make this city uninhabitable for smokers. We can't smoke in bars or parks but we can still smoke in the streets and if I see the Mayor I'm going to flick my Newport right at him."
At least 25 people have been targeted by Flickers in the past several months. Anita, a 24-year old fashion student living in Tribeca, claims to have been the victim of a Flicker last Friday night around 2am. When I asked about the encounter she told me,
"I was walking down 2nd avenue and a guy walking towards me was smoking. As he approached he took one last drag from his cigarette and then flicked it right at me. It landed in the hood of my jacket. I had to take my jacket off and find the damn thing. My friends were laughing hysterically. I wasn't hurt, but it left a pretty serious burn mark."
While clearly not as serious as being punched from behind, cigarette Flicking poses a very serious danger to pedestrians. A lit cigarette is a fire hazard and should be disposed of properly. Human hair is highly flammable, as is most clothing and millions of cigarettes are consumed daily in Manhattan alone. There is not much that can be done about this problem, but local police are aware of the situation. Mayor-Elect Bill De Blasio had this to say, "We always knew smokers were terrible people. It doesn't surprise me at all that these Flickers think they can get away with hurting innocent people."
New York has been the target of several violent trends, the latest being the Knockout Game. It has many people looking over their shoulders. Well, the next time you walk past someone smoking... make sure to give them space. If they are done with their smoke it just may come your way. You will probably not end up in a hospital but you may have to purchase a new scarf.
New reports are being released daily on the ongoing spread of radioactive water from the Fukushima meltdown site. That is to be expected with a disaster of this magnitude. There has been one report that is far more disturbing to the general public. According to a senior ministry adviser in Japan the meltdown at Fukushima was not an accident. An anonymous source who requested not to be identified has alleged that Suga Yoshihide addressed this catastrophe several months before the meltdown. His comments have been described as shocking and appalling. Since the incident, Mr. Yoshihide has been named Japan's Minister of Comprehensive Policy Coordination for Revival from Nuclear Accident at Fukushima. This new ministry position has been created to handle the fallout of the nuclear incident, both figurative and literal. His alleged statement was made in or around October of 2010. Here is a translated version of the statement:
"The entire world laughed at Japan. They thought they got us good and that was the end. It was just the beginning. The entire world will pay for what happened to Japan in August of 1945. The time has come for Japan to laugh. There will not be a single place on earth safe from the radiation that we will unleash on the world."
More than 60 years have passed since the end of World War II and most had thought there would be no further attacks, yet few remember just how much hatred existed at the time. The code name of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima was, "Little Boy," and "Fat Man," was dropped on Nagasaki. These names have long been considered an insult to Japanese people.The thought that Japan has taken it's vengeance on the world is disturbing but not far-fetched. Japan has a long history of prideful empires and military stratagem.
Nobou Tanaka, former Executive Director of the International Energy Agency said, "This was going to happen sooner or later... Japan does not forget," prompting many to question why it had not been prevented. If we knew that Japan would eventually want to retaliate for the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki we might have guessed this nuclear catastrophe was coming. Mr. Tanaka went on to say, "The situation was obviously beyond one company's ability to control. The
issue is who will pay for it: Tepco's customers in the form of rate
hike or the nation in the form of tax money?" Many of us believe the whole world will pay for it, in quality of life and lifespan.
Japan's Prime Minister Shinzō Abe has not been reached for comment.
A recent study proves that pigeons in New York City are addicted to nicotine. How is this possible? Pigeons don't smoke. Based on the assumption that pigeons in the city consume copious amounts of nicotine in discarded cigarette butts, this study set out to prove that the birds were hooked on the chemicals in the cigarettes. Sure enough, the study found that, "most pigeons in New York City take in the same amount of nicotine each day as a human who smokes an entire pack of cigarettes."
The study focused on a group of 100 pigeons collected proportionally from each of the five boroughs. The birds ranged in size and age but were all native residents of New York City. The study was conducted between March and July of 2013. The non-invasive procedure involved collecting and analyzing the nicotine levels in the pigeons' blood samples as well as the visual confirmation of filter particles in their feces. They were found to contain paper and filling derived from Marlboro, Camel, Newport, Parliament, and American Spirit cigarettes. The study went on to explain,
"We immediately noticed a large majority of the pigeons display external signs of chemical addiction. They are often found standing in a group outside of a building. They twitch often and look around with sharp turns of the head. They have anti-social tendencies and are quick to fly when confronted. Their breath smells terrible and they leave droppings everywhere they go. After thorough research we have proven that 98% of pigeons in New York City are hooked on nicotine. Each of the birds in the study reek of smoke and are constantly fidgeting and adjusting their wings. We have also observed the hoarse, raspy mating calls of these nicotine-addicted birds."
Chinese Mynah
Cigarettes are the most littered item in Manhattan. Although the city has strict policies against littering and frequent trash collection it seems there is little that can be done for this unfortunate situation. New York City spends approximately $500,000 annually on the disposal of cigarettes. Regardless of policy and cleanliness it seems the birds will find a way to get their fix. This is hardly a new phenomenon. There was a Mynah in China several years ago that would request a cigarette every morning after seeing it's owner light up.
The Mayor has started a new program to help these city birds break their addiction. If you notice a pigeon displaying signs of nicotine addiction call 311 to report it and get it the help it needs.
