Cigarette "Flickers" Terrorizing Manhattan

An apparent follow-up craze to the "Knockout Game," has finally arrived in the Big Apple. Pedestrians in New York City have recently taken to flicking cigarettes at people walking by. These butt-snipers are now being referred to as "Flickers." Reports of "Flicking" have spread throughout the five boroughs. It seems there is no clear motive for the attacks. Instead of discarding a cigarette butt in the proper receptacles or adding to the litter in the streets, these assailants take a lit cigarette and flick it at an unsuspecting passerby. The Flickers seem to attack indiscriminately and even haphazardly.

They appear to be ordinary smokers, about to finish a cigarette, but then it flies your way. Attacks range from point-blank range at 2 feet to an impressive 10-foot fling by highly skilled Flickers. There is no pattern to the type of cigarettes being flicked either. It seems like these sidewalk terrorists are seeking to punish the city that has shunned them. A report filed by one Flicker (who refused to be identified) informed this reporter that, "(Mayor) Bloomberg has done everything in his power to make this city uninhabitable for smokers. We can't smoke in bars or parks but we can still smoke in the streets and if I see the Mayor I'm going to flick my Newport right at him."

At least 25 people have been targeted by Flickers in the past several months. Anita, a 24-year old fashion student living in Tribeca, claims to have been the victim of a Flicker last Friday night around 2am. When I asked about the encounter she told me,

"I was walking down 2nd avenue and a guy walking towards me was smoking. As he approached he took one last drag from his cigarette and then flicked it right at me. It landed in the hood of my jacket. I had to take my jacket off and find the damn thing. My friends were laughing hysterically. I wasn't hurt, but it left a pretty serious burn mark."

While clearly not as serious as being punched from behind, cigarette Flicking poses a very serious danger to pedestrians. A lit cigarette is a fire hazard and should be disposed of properly. Human hair is highly flammable, as is most clothing and millions of cigarettes are consumed daily in Manhattan alone. There is not much that can be done about this problem, but local police are aware of the situation. Mayor-Elect Bill De Blasio had this to say, "We always knew smokers were terrible people. It doesn't surprise me at all that these Flickers think they can get away with hurting innocent people."

New York has been the target of several violent trends, the latest being the Knockout Game. It has many people looking over their shoulders. Well, the next time you walk past someone smoking... make sure to give them space. If they are done with their smoke it just may come your way. You will probably not end up in a hospital but you may have to purchase a new scarf.

- John Powers
 

Fukushima Meltdown: No Accident

Workers at Fukushima
Nuclear Plant Site

New reports are being released daily on the ongoing spread of radioactive water from the Fukushima meltdown site. That is to be expected with a disaster of this magnitude. There has been one report that is far more disturbing to the general public. According to a senior ministry adviser in Japan the meltdown at Fukushima was not an accident. An anonymous source who requested not to be identified has alleged that Suga Yoshihide addressed this catastrophe several months before the meltdown. His comments have been described as shocking and appalling. Since the incident, Mr. Yoshihide has been named Japan's Minister of Comprehensive Policy Coordination for Revival from Nuclear Accident at Fukushima. This new ministry position has been created to handle the fallout of the nuclear incident, both figurative and literal. His alleged statement was made in or around October of 2010. Here is a translated version of the statement:

"The entire world laughed at Japan. They thought they got us good and that was the end. It was just the beginning. The entire world will pay for what happened to Japan in August of 1945. The time has come for Japan to laugh. There will not be a single place on earth safe from the radiation that we will unleash on the world."

More than 60 years have passed since the end of World War II and most had thought there would be no further attacks, yet few remember just how much hatred existed at the time. The code name of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima was, "Little Boy," and "Fat Man," was dropped on Nagasaki. These names have long been considered an insult to Japanese people.The thought that Japan has taken it's vengeance on the world is disturbing but not far-fetched. Japan has a long history of prideful empires and military stratagem.

Nobou Tanaka, former Executive Director of the International Energy Agency said, "This was going to happen sooner or later... Japan does not forget," prompting many to question why it had not been prevented. If we knew that Japan would eventually want to retaliate for the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki we might have guessed this nuclear catastrophe was coming. Mr. Tanaka went on to say, "The situation was obviously beyond one company's ability to control. The issue is who will pay for it: Tepco's customers in the form of rate hike or the nation in the form of tax money?" Many of us believe the whole world will pay for it, in quality of life and lifespan.

Japan's Prime Minister Shinzō Abe has not been reached for comment. 

Projected path of nuclear debris.
Courtesy: International Pacific Research Center

Pigeons Addicted to Nicotine

New York City Pigeon

A recent study proves that pigeons in New York City are addicted to nicotine. How is this possible? Pigeons don't smoke. Based on the assumption that pigeons in the city consume copious amounts of nicotine in discarded cigarette butts, this study set out to prove that the birds were hooked on the chemicals in the cigarettes. Sure enough, the study found that, "most pigeons in New York City take in the same amount of nicotine each day as a human who smokes an entire pack of cigarettes."

The study focused on a group of 100 pigeons collected proportionally from each of the five boroughs. The birds ranged in size and age but were all native residents of New York City. The study was conducted between March and July of 2013. The non-invasive procedure involved collecting and analyzing the nicotine levels in the pigeons' blood samples as well as the visual confirmation of filter particles in their feces. They were found to contain paper and filling derived from Marlboro, Camel, Newport, Parliament, and American Spirit cigarettes. The study went on to explain,

"We immediately noticed a large majority of the pigeons display external signs of chemical addiction. They are often found standing in a group outside of a building. They twitch often and look around with sharp turns of the head. They have anti-social tendencies and are quick to fly when confronted. Their breath smells terrible and they leave droppings everywhere they go. After thorough research we have proven that 98% of pigeons in New York City are hooked on nicotine. Each of the birds in the study reek of smoke and are constantly fidgeting and adjusting their wings. We have also observed the hoarse, raspy mating calls of these nicotine-addicted birds."

Chinese Mynah

Cigarettes are the most littered item in Manhattan. Although the city has strict policies against littering and frequent trash collection it seems there is little that can be done for this unfortunate situation. New York City spends approximately $500,000 annually on the disposal of cigarettes. Regardless of policy and cleanliness it seems the birds will find a way to get their fix. This is hardly a new phenomenon. There was a Mynah in China several years ago that would request a cigarette every morning after seeing it's owner light up.

The Mayor has started a new program to help these city birds break their addiction. If you notice a pigeon displaying signs of nicotine addiction call 311 to report it and get it the help it needs.


* March, 2013 artcile: Are Butts the New Bottles?


- John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com

 

Citi Bike Surveillance "Hoax"

I'm not a reporter.

The guy who called from the New York Post was a reporter. His name was Matt Nestel. He questioned me for 20 minutes about my CitiBike Surveillance article and then he and his boss went outside to take a bike apart. He called back to beg for an exclusive, insisting that I agree to let him break the story. When I said not to write the story, he asked if I was trying to protect my identity like Edward Snowden from the NSA. Metro NY also reached out to me and Gothamist got in on the action with an article that did not prove my story true or false. In one day, more than 125,000 people saw this article. Thousands hit the retweet button before realizing the site they were looking at was not a legitimate news source.

I can't help but question modern reporting. Less than 50 years ago there was one nightly report that covered all of that day's stories. Today the 24-hour news cycle has people glued to their technology looking for the latest. Everything is breaking news. Go ahead, check. Flip on any news channel right now and there will be a bright red flashing ticker on the bottom of the screen with some crap that doesn't have any impact on your life.

This article was satire, along the same lines as the Onion and the Chive. Nobody minds when they put out an article like this because they are known to be fake news. If anyone bothered to look at any of my other posts they would've seen I'm a comedian. I didn't attempt to hide that.

...but I'm not just a comedian. I'm a New Yorker and I share many of the privacy concerns people expressed after reading this article. It's scary to think how easy it would be for the City of New York to unroll this type of surveillance program. Although Citi Bike is annoying to pedestrians and taxis, it is not the real problem. The real problem is we have a mayor who wants to control everything and a mayoral candidate who can't stop texting pictures of his genitals.

People said my article was not funny. I agree. It wasn't meant to be funny. It's scary. The NSA is monitoring my every move and Google is showing me ads for dildos because I recently bought a vibrating massage chair. The people in charge don't give a damn about the 99% and the peasants are not shocked that there might be a secret spy program.

Are there two secret, hidden, mini spy cameras on all the bikes? Maybe. There are definitely tracking devices of some kind. Some guy commented that he assembled the bikes and didn't see anything that looked like a camera. Maybe they put the cameras in on his day off. Or maybe instead of looking at the bikes you should all look inside yourselves. Stop looking at the internet and start look at your families. Look for a deeper meaning that you won't find on any news channel.

... go for a nice, long bike ride.

- John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com




© 2013 - All rights reserved

Empire State of Meh (Empire State of Mind parody)

Empire State of Mind is one of the greatest songs ever written about New York City and arguably an anthem for our generation. Since New York is the greatest city in the world it's only fitting that the greatest artists of our time would pay homage to the Big Apple. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys are both at the top of their game and this song is an epic tribute that glorifies all the best aspects of NYC.

... but they didn't touch on the downsides. When you are as wealthy as Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, New York City is a great place to be. If you are a struggling artist, a small-time stock broker, or a hipster hanging out in Zuccotti Park for Occupy... the City can be a tough place to get by. There are rats and homeless people on every corner, Mayor Bloomberg wants to control your soda portions and your breast milk, and the rent is too damn high.

This was an ambitious project to take on. A good friend of mine told me, "Don't touch it... but if you're going to do it, do it right." After he saw the finished product he admitted that I did it right.

Each of the five boroughs are mentioned in this parody (Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island and the Bronx) as well as a few of our major sports teams (the Mets, Yankees and Giants). This parody talks about what life is like in New York City for the majority of us trying to make it... and no song about the Tri-State area would be complete without a Snooki reference.

I tried to make the music video as close as possible to the original. Jay-Z does a lot of strange hand movements and both he and Alicia switch outfits several times. Watch his first... then watch mine.

Take a look. Let me know what you think.
 

- John Powers (http://youtu.be/UOCLchwkrhk)