Sessme Fighters...

Today I was listening to

some old recordings I've done.

Namely, my "mantra"...

Then I stumbled on a parody of

the Foo Fighters' "The Pretender"

that I animated when it came out

back in 2008.  It reminded me

so much of the Sesame Street

song, "One of These Things

is Not Like the Others,"

that I just had to...

Here is the original video for

the Foo Fighters' song:

...and my version (sync them up!):

Let me know what you think.

Have a nice day.

- John

McShit

Last night I had a few drinks.

(no surprise there)

Whilst driving home, I spotted

a McDonalds and thought,

"damn, it's been a while,

I should stop there."

Then I made a deal with myself.

'Self,' says I, 'you will not go there

tonight, but you can have it for

lunch tomorrow if you still

feel like you desire it.'

... a pretty solid logic for somone

with a solid buzz going.

I give myself credit.

So today, I stopped there for lunch.

What a terrible idea that was.

McDonalds is only good at 2:30am

when you're drunk enough not to

realize exactly how shitty the

food you're putting into

your mouth really is.

Excuse me, I have to use the restroom.

Ok, I'm back.

Where was I?

Ah yes.

The Evil Empire.

McDonalds is such garbage,

you need to be severely intoxicated

not to realize the nutritional value

of your consumption is equal to

that of not eating a meal at all.

In fact, it's worse.

Not only is there nothing worth

eating at this place, what 

they do have is really

terrible for the body.

Why are these place so popular?!

Oh right... it's cheap and quick.

Damn, convenience... you win again.

(next time I eat it, I'll be wasted)

Notes on Love...

My friend Kendra posted a blog about

a friend of hers that finds and loses a man

in a period of 48 hours of a weekend.

Kendra's Blonde Logic Blog

It upsets me that the lady-folk

have certain expectations

and don't tell us

what they

are.

This is how I handle the situation:

...every time I meet a girl I like,
I call her immediately after we part from each other,
just to make sure she get's home alright. 

Then I poke her on Facebook when I get to my place.
A simple smile ": )" text right before I go to sleep
let's her know I'm dreaming of her and only her...

The next day I cook breakfast and wait outside her apartment.
She's a vegetarian, so I use tofu bacon and soy milk.

I found out on her blog that she usually wakes up
around 8am, and goes for a jog around the park.
My running shorts are tight, but it's all worth it...

After she says, "what the hell are you doing here?"
I decide to eat breakfast alone.
She's not a morning person.

The rest of the day I think of the way her hair looks
right after she gets out of the shower, before she
blow-dries it and puts on jeans and a t-shirt to walk
her adorable little Chihuahua-doodle, Mr. Fluffypants.

I call her once an hour and leave voicemails,
just to let her know that I am thinking of her.

She texts me, "i have a bf"
but I know she doesn't...
She's just playing it cool.

That night I see that her friend Kristen
posted on her Facebook wall that they're
going to a bar downtown. How subtle.

She hasn't called back or responded to my
multiple texts, but I know she wants me to
show up at the bar that she's going to...

I hang in the back and watch her and her friends
hit on guys for a few hours, in an obvious attempt
to make me jealous, but it doesn't work,
I know that she's thinking only of me.

Finally I walk up behind her while she gets a drink,
and whisper in her ear, "hello, my love"...
She turns around and lets out a scream (of excitement!),
then says, "what the hell are you doing here?"
How cute, pretending to be surprised...

I hand her the portrait of us in the nude
that I stayed up the whole night before painting.
She likes it so much that she's speechless.
She goes back to the table with her friends,
and I hail a cab... another great night!
 
Damn, I'm smooth.

 : )

Natural Born Killers

So... Mickey and Mallory are back.

Check this out, true story.

There is currently a fugitive on the loose.

A few days ago, a woman threw wire cutters

into a private prison facility, where her husband,

and two other inmates cut the fence and escaped.

Really?!

Is this a prison, or a gated community?

Why (or how) is it possible to:

a) get wire cutters

b) cut the gate!?

So three inmates and this insane woman were on the run.

Two of the inmates were "captured" and we learn that

the man and woman are fiancées and cousins.

(you can't make this shit up)

They interviewed the man's stepfather (why?!),

and he explained that, "they think they're 

Bonnie and Clyde, but they're not."

Whew.  I thought fictional characters were real.

If these two idiots could be any fictional fugitives,

I'd want them to be Mickey and Mallory from

Natural Born Killers.  Those two were cool.

Start a trend.  Inspire people to be free.

... get Robert Downey, Jr. 

and Denis Leary involved.

Where's Rodney Dangerfield when you need him?

Scan my Pocket

So, a friend of mine recently told me

that there's a new scam out there

where a criminal can scan

your credit cards by

brushing against

your back

pocket.

Perhaps that's what you get for being lazy.

Is it too hard to have to swipe the thing?
You just want to hold your card up to

the gas pump or that thing at the

supermarket checkout line...

...well, that's what you get.

I told my friend not to worry about being a victim.

They're probably only targeting people who 

look like they've got lots of money.

Isn't it bad enough that the 
credit cards are ripping us off?

Charging ridiculous interest rates, and subsequently

putting people into permanent dept for 

spending money they don't have...

(isn't that what the banks did?!)

Why should we be held to a standard 

that the federal government isn't held to?

What is our national dept at this point?

Are there any bill collectors knocking

on the front door of the white house?

(perhaps one day there will be)

Hopefully by then I'll know

how to speak Chinese anyhow.

Either way, I'll take the extra two seconds

and "insert card: remove quickly"

Goodnight.

 - John