Marijuana to be Legalized this Frday!

John Powers

Field Reporter

In a surprising move, the US Congress has decided to legalize the marijuana plant and simultaneously take cigarettes off shelves.  Cigarettes are a leading cause of cancer, addiction, and bad breath.  Marijuana on the contrary is the leading cause of "chilling," "creative invention," "artistic creation," and has a surprising calming effect on anyone who takes it into their system.  

We have long known the negative effects of smoking cigarettes, and the people have finally convinced the government that we don't want them available to us anymore.  After years of ineffective 'anti-smoking campaigns', paid for by the tobacco companies as subliminal advertising... they finally realized the only way to stop people from smoking cigarettes is to take them off the shelves.  The idea to replace cigarettes with "doobies" was simply logical.

Marijuana is not addictive.  The only reason people do it every day is because it feels so nice.  The only known side effect of marijuana is paranoia, but that will likely subside after legalization... when people no longer need to feel like a criminal when they have a joint.

There are several way to consume marijuana.  The most common method is to smoke it, either rolled like a cigarette, or in a pipe or bong.  Some people prefer to eat it.  If you choose to go this route, the most common method is to include it in brownie or cake mix.  Make sure you have plenty of other munchies handy.

The reason the government has been putting this move off for so long is because they were in bed with the tobacco industry.  Also, once the product became legal money-hungry politicians were nervous that it would be too hard to regulate growing processes.  Marijuana has long been known for the "weed" aspects of this product.  It grows fairly easily in most normal agricultural conditions.  Thanks to the downfall of the economy and the housing market, nobody owns land anymore... so congress thought it was finally safe to legalize.  

The versatile cannabis plant can also be used to make rope, clothing, paper, and many other useful products.  It will be interesting to watch how quickly the rainforests grow back.