New Robot Acts Like a Human!

Computers have taken another step towards becoming human this week. In an unprecedented study, research teams from five really expensive and elitist colleges decided to install a program that mimics human brain processes as well as social and behavioral patterns. 

The computer, aptly nicknamed "H.A.R.R.Y. (Human Attributes Robotically Replace You)" was given the median human traits of modern-day Americans. The traits were taken from a cross section of people where age, race, income, location, diet, activity and desires were all considered. The results of this data collection were added to a new processing program.

Once the new program was installed, Harry started acting more like the average American. After five years of studying him... the results have finally been published. Harry started as an ordinary robot. He cleaned your house and pool, and made sure intruders didn't steal your dog. After the new behavioral program was installed, research teams watched as Harry became quite lazy. In a matter of two weeks he stopped all cleaning efforts. Within a year he had gained 50 pounds. By the end of the five-year program, he was hardly recognizable, even by those who had known him best. At the beginning of the study, Harry did not care for television... now he watches at least 4 hours of it a day.

When the program started, Harry the Human Computer Robot was given $50,000 in his very own bank account. Three years into the program, not only had he depleted the account, he also owed $25,000 on credit cards he had signed up for. The house he purchased was more than he could afford and is now being foreclosed upon.  On top of that, he was let go from his job recently due to downsizing.

At the start of the study, Harry was quite social with other robots and had frequent gatherings with artists and deep thinkers, typically over wine and cheese. By the end of the 2nd year, half of his friends stopped calling him and the other half expected to watch TV and eat junk food whenever they ventured over to Harry's place. They described his situation as, "a sad demonstration of what the human experience can do to a fine, upstanding robot."

Although some might call this experiment a complete failure... others would say it is the first step towards diagnosing the problems that come with being human. Some say that further experiments must be conducted using only the positive traits of select groups of society... others say that is a grossly biased method of furthering robot snobbery. No matter what the future of robot/human intermingling will be, one thing is clear... Americans are mostly fat, lazy, antisocial, and bad with money.


2011 Studying Things U People Indirectly Demand (S.T.U.P.I.D.)