New Robot Acts Like a Human!

Computers have taken another step towards becoming human this week. In an unprecedented study, research teams from five really expensive and elitist colleges decided to install a program that mimics human brain processes as well as social and behavioral patterns. 

The computer, aptly nicknamed "H.A.R.R.Y. (Human Attributes Robotically Replace You)" was given the median human traits of modern-day Americans. The traits were taken from a cross section of people where age, race, income, location, diet, activity and desires were all considered. The results of this data collection were added to a new processing program.

Once the new program was installed, Harry started acting more like the average American. After five years of studying him... the results have finally been published. Harry started as an ordinary robot. He cleaned your house and pool, and made sure intruders didn't steal your dog. After the new behavioral program was installed, research teams watched as Harry became quite lazy. In a matter of two weeks he stopped all cleaning efforts. Within a year he had gained 50 pounds. By the end of the five-year program, he was hardly recognizable, even by those who had known him best. At the beginning of the study, Harry did not care for television... now he watches at least 4 hours of it a day.

When the program started, Harry the Human Computer Robot was given $50,000 in his very own bank account. Three years into the program, not only had he depleted the account, he also owed $25,000 on credit cards he had signed up for. The house he purchased was more than he could afford and is now being foreclosed upon.  On top of that, he was let go from his job recently due to downsizing.

At the start of the study, Harry was quite social with other robots and had frequent gatherings with artists and deep thinkers, typically over wine and cheese. By the end of the 2nd year, half of his friends stopped calling him and the other half expected to watch TV and eat junk food whenever they ventured over to Harry's place. They described his situation as, "a sad demonstration of what the human experience can do to a fine, upstanding robot."

Although some might call this experiment a complete failure... others would say it is the first step towards diagnosing the problems that come with being human. Some say that further experiments must be conducted using only the positive traits of select groups of society... others say that is a grossly biased method of furthering robot snobbery. No matter what the future of robot/human intermingling will be, one thing is clear... Americans are mostly fat, lazy, antisocial, and bad with money.


2011 Studying Things U People Indirectly Demand (S.T.U.P.I.D.)

Woods Pulls Out

Did he not read my last

blog post about him?!

http://johnjpowers.blogspot.com/2011/04/tiger-woods-is-loser.html

Tiger woods pulled out

of the 2011 Players Championship.

(haha, he pulled out...)

Do you know what that does?
It makes sponsors pull out.

It makes the golf unwatchable.

Nobody cares about Lucas Glover.

I'm tired of athletes claiming injury

when what's really going on is... 

...they're not playing well.

Just admit, "well, I wasn't playing well."

Nope.  They make an excuse.

They get a doctor's note.

Their Mom signs it.

(or they forge it)

Play.

... and lose.

Loser.

Fin.

- John

The Day America Died

The following is an article I submitted to the 
NYTimes Editorial section this past December (2010).  

They decided not to publish it, 
so I decided to publish it here... on my blog.

 

One thing is clear in the current state of affairs: This cannot go on much longer.  The illusion of progress through technology and convenience has only served as a distraction from the dissolving of traditional family life and the continuing contamination of our natural habitats.  Our society cannot go on this way for long.  Already our currency is failing (as well as our housing markets) and the price of gold (and oil) keeps rising.  People are losing faith in the American Dream, and losing their jobs as well.  Why should we live within our means and plan for the future when our own government is bankrupt and our National Dept is an unfathomable number?  We are tired of paying taxes to special interest groups and pork-barrel spending.  Our President promised us "change" and we each dreamed of the specific changes we would want... but they never happened. 

Looking back at the history of this great nation makes modern man wonder, 'Where did we go wrong?'  Did it start with computers, cell phones and the internet?  No.  Was it microwaves and fast-food replacing hour-long family meals?  Maybe.  Could cars and planes replacing boats and trains be to blame?  You're getting warmer...

The day America died was the day the first assembly-lines replaced hand-crafted products.  When "Coke" replaced "Soda-pop."  America lost its values on the day that washing machines replaced scrub-basins.  We took appliances into our homes, and the factories building them decided to make us completely reliant upon them.  We do not own our products, our products own us.  Not only do we depend on our refrigerators and dryers, but most of us cannot imagine a life without them.  That's when the appliance manufacturers turned radios into televisions.  Our daily lives are consumed by a voyeuristic fascination on daily disasters and celebrities.  Most people can name each winner of American Idol, yet have nobody in their lives to idolize.  We aspire to achieve financial and material prosperity, but the value of our principals is falling quicker than the value of the dollar.  It's time to start paying attention to the man behind the curtain.  The machine has won, people, and we didn't even go down with a fight.  What will you do when your power fails, the satellites that control your cell phone stop working... and you can't post a Facebook status about it?  The Angry Birds will crush the pigs in their comfy structures, but what will it take to make the angry people jump into the slingshot? 

Unplug your appliances before the power goes out on America.

A Penny Saved...

A penny saved is a waste of time.

Coinstar takes 9%, but nobody cares.

That's 9 dollars for every hundred.

You can still buy a lot for 9 bucks.

... at least a decent lunch.

Americans are too lazy to give a damn.

They're rather have less money and

more of the things money can buy.

We don't want 100K in the bank,

we want a 30K sports-car to drive.

We don't want to save anything.

We'd rather enjoy life now.

My logic behind this is...

The money looks weird,

and the advertising agencies

have gotten the best of us.

When you were a kid, you could

name the president on the front

of every coin and every bill.

I saw a penny the other day

that had some kind of a shield

on the back of it instead of the

all-so-familiar Lincoln Memorial.

The nickel has been changed

recently as well... I had no idea.

In the 1990's, the 100, 50 and 20

were all given a makeover.

In 2003, the 20 was redesigned again,

and in 2004 there was a new 50.

2006 gave us new 10 dollar bills,

and in 2008, the 5 finally joined

in the redesign party...

Back to the advertising thing...

If we weren't such consumers,

we might still have a few of

these strange looking bills

in a bank somewhere.

We don't want them.

Instead of buying a new iPod,

or re-sodding the grass to out-do

your neighbor... perhaps you

should have saved a bit of

green for that day when

you lost your job.

Advertisements have us beat.

We'd rather have a Bud Light

(America's beer?!  It's Belgian-owned)

than I nice tall glass of water.

(there's probably less carcinigens

in the beer than the water...)

Get rid of the penny.

Redesign the $1 bill.

Keep buying crap you don't need,

and watch how quickly your

money becomes worthless.

Friend of a Friend...

My old friend Shanté

(she's not that old)

posted the following

article on "Thought Catalog"

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/how-to-avoid-emotional-entanglements/

This ^ is her.

Please read it.

... then read my response.

(as it appears below)

_______________________________

Strange seeing it from the female perspective.
I've often wondered what girlfriends have meant
when they said that they weren't ready to get serious
or tie themselves into an exclusive relationship just yet.

You're right, men like having the option of "yes" at our disposal.
... but often we dispose of it without ever giving it a fair chance.

There is a movement of young educated people towards
fulfilling one's own desires and finding one's own happiness
before considering getting attached to someone else's...
It's important to be sure you're ready to settle down
before you do so (that's why it's called settling),
but it's also important to share in the warmth
of the trust and comforts of another human.

All too often we focus on the immediate
rewards and lack the patience to see
long-term potentials of opportune
cost materialize. That's the main
reason that people in our age-
range are continuing to put
off long-term commitment
for the instantaneous benefits
of a quickie or a non-substantial
relationship. Why suffer through
the hard times when it's completely
unnecessary at this point in our lives?

Have we learned nothing from the mistakes
of our elders in the premature consummation
of a lack-luster relationship? Forget about your
second marriage... choose your first one just a bit
more carefully, and be sure that it's what will make
you the happiest for as far as you can project into the
future of your life. If nobody you've found can fulfill your
requirements... then wait it out. Time will differentiate the
meaningless from the substantial and you'll be glad you waited.

It is more wise to wait for what we think we want than to settle
for something we know we like but may not love... it is better
to be alone than to be locked into something that doesn't
make you feel completely satisfied in important ways.

Thanks for writing.
You have a way with words, Ms. Cosmé.

_______________________________

There.  I plugged a friend's

article, and got my feelings

out at the same time - cathartic.

Maybe writing a blog on dating

and relationships will help me

the next time I get in one.

- John