Subway Yoga Mat Sandwich™

Comic John Powers with Jared, the Subway Guy

Ever since Subway unveiled it's Yoga Mat Sandwich™ sales at the fast-food sub shop have plummeted. It seems that suddenly people care more about their health then they do about getting fast food at a decent price. Above is a picture of Jared (the Subway Guy) Fogle and myself at a Subway restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It was a busy lunchtime hour but Jared and I were the only ones indulging in the tasty Subway cuisine. 

Subway has long stood behind the catchphrase "Eat Fresh," suggesting that they provide fresh ingredients and a healthier alternative to the Big Mac, the Whopper and Taco Bell mystery meat. They even teamed up with Olympian Michael Phelps in an attempt to appeal to athletes and stoners alike. 

Some people were shocked to find that the bread at subway actually contains the same ingredients as a yoga mat. Kristen Delfonte of Brooklyn said, "I can't believe it. The bread always smells so fake and rubbery when I walk past the store. It's just a complete shock to find out there's azodicarbonamide in there."

Robert Erlens was astounded to learn that adding Chipotle Mayo adds 500 calories. "I was astounded to learn that adding Chipotle Mayo adds 500 calories. They say it's less calories than other fast food joints... yeah, if you order a plain 6-inch with no cheese! Who does that?! When I order a foot-long sub, I want it to have the works! I'm talking double-meat, double cheese, and a bunch of soggy peppers and pickles and stuff!"

A woman in line who asked not to be identified ordered a 6-inch Italian. Right after she said that, Jared tapped her on the shoulder and winked. When we caught up with him after the incident he replied, "It's actually 4 and a half inches."

The Yoga Mat Sandwich™ at Subway

No matter how big it is, people are not happy that Subway bread is not simply made of yeast and flour. The chemicals and additives in our fast food may keep it fresh longer, bake the bread higher, or make the french fries tastier, but we no longer care about any of that. Gone are the days when the consumer will blindly gobble whatever is available in a 2-mile radius of their office. We demand more than artificial rubber yoga mat bread. We want a healthy sandwich, prepared fresh, with real ingredients. 

...and no, we don't want it "toatsted."

Namaste.
- John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Putin Withdraws From Olympics

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced today that he will not be attending the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi. After nearly a year of attempting to block homosexual athletes from participating and gay fans from attending (with threats of arrest and other persecution), the president has decided that as a gay man himself, it would be massively hypocritical to show up at the Olympics.

Mr. Putin, like many homosexuals, was afraid to come out amidst such anti-gay sentiment is his own government. He stayed in the closet and used blatant homophobia as a shield to protect himself from unwanted bullying and criticisms. Finally, his secret became too much to bear and he decided to come out. We here in America applaud Mr. Putin for his courage and honesty. The announcement was followed by a liberating bare-chested horseback ride. 

His official press release read, "We are not forbidding anything. Anything goes. There is no punishment for such kinds of relations. To paraphrase Maclemore & Lewis, 'he keeps me warm.' We want everyone with strange and unusual sexual impulses to feel relaxed and calm, but leave children alone please."

When asked how it felt to hide his sexuality for so long, Mr. Putin replied, "What, are we supposed to follow along like obedient lapdogs, towards whatever consequences await? We have our own traditions, our own culture. We have respect for all of our international partners and ask that they also respect our own traditions and culture." Once off-camera, the Russian president picked up his pink martini and gingerly sucked the beverage through a thin blue straw. 

When asked how he felt about the president's statements, esteemed Russian boxer Drago simply replied, "I will break him."

Security has already been a concern with many fearing there will be a terrorist attack at the Sochi Olympic Games. There have also been reports of the local government killing stray dogs. Things are very queer in Russia, but one thing is for sure, it is a comfort to know that the President will hold himself to the same standards as the athletes the entire world will be watching. 

ConEd Disturbs Gramercy

What sounds like gunshots are currently exploding outside of Gramercy Row apartments on 22nd street between Lexington and Third Avenue in Manhattan, New York. As you can see by the videotape, a Baruch security guard is standing idly by and doing nothing about the jarring noise. Every seven seconds (nearly exactly) you can hear a sound like a gunshot going off coming from a Con Edison work site. The electric company has been doing underground work in this spot for many months and it appears the site was not properly secured for water damage. The recent snowfall seems to have penetrated the metal plates covering the site and caused an underground electrical issue resulting in an explosion every seven seconds. What you are hearing in the video is actual audio from the scene. Although we are not certain at this time whether or not this is a dangerous area, it is currently roped off with "FIRE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape, and anyone passing by is certain to be startled by the abrupt noise.

We will have more for you as this story develops.

* update: As of 9:15am on Thursday, February 7th, Con Edison trucks have closed down the street and have removed the metal plates to fix the issue. 

John Powers
Local Reporter
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Day 2: Resolution

Today is January 2nd, which means day 2 without a cigarette. There are millions of people around the world telling themselves that they can do it this time. Day 2 came quick and soon it will be day 3. I don't really need to smoke, but I really want to. 

All around the world quitters are giving in today. They are making excuses for going back to their addiction. They are saying, "resolutions are stupid anyway," and, "I'll quit when I'm damn ready," and, "it was a good idea but we all know it's not gonna happen." 

My resolution is resolute. My mind is made up. This time is for real. I'll just drink more. I'll chew gum. I already bought 4 bags of sunflower seeds. That will get me through the weekend. I don't feel too bad. I really want a cigarette but I don't really need one. My friend Peter is going outside now. He didn't bother with a quitting resolution. He knows it's bullshit. I could bum a butt from him and feel that familiar tingle in no time. 

...but I won't. I don't need it. Already the poison is draining from my pores and leaving my system. By the end of the week I will be breathing better and feeling healthier. All I need is a month. It's cold outside anyhow. If I can last a month this time will be the last. This time is for real and I am no longer a smoker. 

I'm a quitter. 

...but nobody likes a quitter. 

Celebrity for a Day

Well, my article went viral.
Great. Now I can check that off my list.

The reporter from the New York Post nearly orgasmed when I assured him it was true. The reporter from Metro NY said, "I wish 100,000 people saw something I wrote." My article was discussed on Inhabitat and Gothamist. Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly both publicly dismissed my article, and even the New York City Department of Transportation had to make a statement on their Facebook page (below) to clear up any confusion. Over 250,000 saw it. It was really a wild couple of days.

... but nothing in my life has changed. I did not make any money off of this. I did not get a gig writing for the Onion. Edward Snowden did not call me. I will not be on Letterman tonight. Yet it feels good that so many people reacted to an idea that I came up with. It wasn't a hoax. It was a not-so-far-fetched story based on an exaggeration of reality. It was a clever idea and feasible enough that quite a few people thought it was real. I now know the secret of going viral. Where do I go from here? Hopefully someone will realize that social media prowess is powerful and find a way to turn one of the hardest-working comedians in New York City into a media cash cow. At the very least I will laugh anytime I see a Citi Bike. I'll always have this moment in time to look back on and feel good about the fact that what I wrote had an impact on people.

I was talking about it with a friend on the bus and a woman turned around and said, "are you guys talking about the cameras on the CitiBikes? My friend in Albuquerque told me about that..." I laughed for about an hour.

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