Putin Withdraws From Olympics

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced today that he will not be attending the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi. After nearly a year of attempting to block homosexual athletes from participating and gay fans from attending (with threats of arrest and other persecution), the president has decided that as a gay man himself, it would be massively hypocritical to show up at the Olympics.

Mr. Putin, like many homosexuals, was afraid to come out amidst such anti-gay sentiment is his own government. He stayed in the closet and used blatant homophobia as a shield to protect himself from unwanted bullying and criticisms. Finally, his secret became too much to bear and he decided to come out. We here in America applaud Mr. Putin for his courage and honesty. The announcement was followed by a liberating bare-chested horseback ride. 

His official press release read, "We are not forbidding anything. Anything goes. There is no punishment for such kinds of relations. To paraphrase Maclemore & Lewis, 'he keeps me warm.' We want everyone with strange and unusual sexual impulses to feel relaxed and calm, but leave children alone please."

When asked how it felt to hide his sexuality for so long, Mr. Putin replied, "What, are we supposed to follow along like obedient lapdogs, towards whatever consequences await? We have our own traditions, our own culture. We have respect for all of our international partners and ask that they also respect our own traditions and culture." Once off-camera, the Russian president picked up his pink martini and gingerly sucked the beverage through a thin blue straw. 

When asked how he felt about the president's statements, esteemed Russian boxer Drago simply replied, "I will break him."

Security has already been a concern with many fearing there will be a terrorist attack at the Sochi Olympic Games. There have also been reports of the local government killing stray dogs. Things are very queer in Russia, but one thing is for sure, it is a comfort to know that the President will hold himself to the same standards as the athletes the entire world will be watching. 

ConEd Disturbs Gramercy

What sounds like gunshots are currently exploding outside of Gramercy Row apartments on 22nd street between Lexington and Third Avenue in Manhattan, New York. As you can see by the videotape, a Baruch security guard is standing idly by and doing nothing about the jarring noise. Every seven seconds (nearly exactly) you can hear a sound like a gunshot going off coming from a Con Edison work site. The electric company has been doing underground work in this spot for many months and it appears the site was not properly secured for water damage. The recent snowfall seems to have penetrated the metal plates covering the site and caused an underground electrical issue resulting in an explosion every seven seconds. What you are hearing in the video is actual audio from the scene. Although we are not certain at this time whether or not this is a dangerous area, it is currently roped off with "FIRE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape, and anyone passing by is certain to be startled by the abrupt noise.

We will have more for you as this story develops.

* update: As of 9:15am on Thursday, February 7th, Con Edison trucks have closed down the street and have removed the metal plates to fix the issue. 

John Powers
Local Reporter
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Day 2: Resolution

Today is January 2nd, which means day 2 without a cigarette. There are millions of people around the world telling themselves that they can do it this time. Day 2 came quick and soon it will be day 3. I don't really need to smoke, but I really want to. 

All around the world quitters are giving in today. They are making excuses for going back to their addiction. They are saying, "resolutions are stupid anyway," and, "I'll quit when I'm damn ready," and, "it was a good idea but we all know it's not gonna happen." 

My resolution is resolute. My mind is made up. This time is for real. I'll just drink more. I'll chew gum. I already bought 4 bags of sunflower seeds. That will get me through the weekend. I don't feel too bad. I really want a cigarette but I don't really need one. My friend Peter is going outside now. He didn't bother with a quitting resolution. He knows it's bullshit. I could bum a butt from him and feel that familiar tingle in no time. 

...but I won't. I don't need it. Already the poison is draining from my pores and leaving my system. By the end of the week I will be breathing better and feeling healthier. All I need is a month. It's cold outside anyhow. If I can last a month this time will be the last. This time is for real and I am no longer a smoker. 

I'm a quitter. 

...but nobody likes a quitter. 

Celebrity for a Day

Well, my article went viral.
Great. Now I can check that off my list.

The reporter from the New York Post nearly orgasmed when I assured him it was true. The reporter from Metro NY said, "I wish 100,000 people saw something I wrote." My article was discussed on Inhabitat and Gothamist. Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly both publicly dismissed my article, and even the New York City Department of Transportation had to make a statement on their Facebook page (below) to clear up any confusion. Over 250,000 saw it. It was really a wild couple of days.

... but nothing in my life has changed. I did not make any money off of this. I did not get a gig writing for the Onion. Edward Snowden did not call me. I will not be on Letterman tonight. Yet it feels good that so many people reacted to an idea that I came up with. It wasn't a hoax. It was a not-so-far-fetched story based on an exaggeration of reality. It was a clever idea and feasible enough that quite a few people thought it was real. I now know the secret of going viral. Where do I go from here? Hopefully someone will realize that social media prowess is powerful and find a way to turn one of the hardest-working comedians in New York City into a media cash cow. At the very least I will laugh anytime I see a Citi Bike. I'll always have this moment in time to look back on and feel good about the fact that what I wrote had an impact on people.

I was talking about it with a friend on the bus and a woman turned around and said, "are you guys talking about the cameras on the CitiBikes? My friend in Albuquerque told me about that..." I laughed for about an hour.

Here are a few of my favorite posts...

Cigarette "Flickers" Terrorizing Manhattan

An apparent follow-up craze to the "Knockout Game," has finally arrived in the Big Apple. Pedestrians in New York City have recently taken to flicking cigarettes at people walking by. These butt-snipers are now being referred to as "Flickers." Reports of "Flicking" have spread throughout the five boroughs. It seems there is no clear motive for the attacks. Instead of discarding a cigarette butt in the proper receptacles or adding to the litter in the streets, these assailants take a lit cigarette and flick it at an unsuspecting passerby. The Flickers seem to attack indiscriminately and even haphazardly.

They appear to be ordinary smokers, about to finish a cigarette, but then it flies your way. Attacks range from point-blank range at 2 feet to an impressive 10-foot fling by highly skilled Flickers. There is no pattern to the type of cigarettes being flicked either. It seems like these sidewalk terrorists are seeking to punish the city that has shunned them. A report filed by one Flicker (who refused to be identified) informed this reporter that, "(Mayor) Bloomberg has done everything in his power to make this city uninhabitable for smokers. We can't smoke in bars or parks but we can still smoke in the streets and if I see the Mayor I'm going to flick my Newport right at him."

At least 25 people have been targeted by Flickers in the past several months. Anita, a 24-year old fashion student living in Tribeca, claims to have been the victim of a Flicker last Friday night around 2am. When I asked about the encounter she told me,

"I was walking down 2nd avenue and a guy walking towards me was smoking. As he approached he took one last drag from his cigarette and then flicked it right at me. It landed in the hood of my jacket. I had to take my jacket off and find the damn thing. My friends were laughing hysterically. I wasn't hurt, but it left a pretty serious burn mark."

While clearly not as serious as being punched from behind, cigarette Flicking poses a very serious danger to pedestrians. A lit cigarette is a fire hazard and should be disposed of properly. Human hair is highly flammable, as is most clothing and millions of cigarettes are consumed daily in Manhattan alone. There is not much that can be done about this problem, but local police are aware of the situation. Mayor-Elect Bill De Blasio had this to say, "We always knew smokers were terrible people. It doesn't surprise me at all that these Flickers think they can get away with hurting innocent people."

New York has been the target of several violent trends, the latest being the Knockout Game. It has many people looking over their shoulders. Well, the next time you walk past someone smoking... make sure to give them space. If they are done with their smoke it just may come your way. You will probably not end up in a hospital but you may have to purchase a new scarf.

- John Powers