Protect Eddie Vedder

Please tell me someone is keeping an eye on Eddie Vedder. I don't want the guy on a plane, in a car, or near anything sharp. 

...he's all we have left. 

There were 5 distinct voices that created grunge rock. They created a new genre. They sang about what we were going through. They were the voice of the group of kids that were half Gen-X and not quite Millennial. Their music spoke to us in raspy, guttural west-coast accents and we listened. Their sounds were distorted, but the message was clear. 

Soundgarden, Nirvana, Alice In Chains, STP, and Pearl Jam. These bands were the last real rock bands. They had melody, rhythm, guitar solos, and vocal harmony. They were sad but beautiful, angst-ridden but deeply moving. They were inspired by classic rock sounds and structures but full of new ideas. I told my Dad in 1992 that one day you'll hear Pearl Jam and Nirvana on classic rock radio stations.

I was right. 

The passing of Chris Cornell marks the 4th legendary grunge vocalist to leave this world #TooSoon. Perhaps we should've seen it coming with songs like "Pretty Noose," "Like Suicide," and "Blow Up the Outside World," but art can come from dark places. Cornell literally wore a noose in a music video for his last solo album. 
A clearer cry for help could not be possible. 

Kurt Cobain of Nirvana was the first in 1994 at 27 years of age. He was on top of the world and fans were devastated. The official cause of death is suicide but Unsolved Mysteries and Private Eye Tom Grant believe otherwise. 

The second was Layne Staley of Alice In Chains in 2002 at the age of 34. Band mate Sean Kinney described his death as the "longest suicide" he'd ever seen. The last 4 years of his life were spent reclusively with heavy drug use. 

Our third loss was Scott Weiland of the Stone Temple Pilots in 2015 at age 48. He had a record of drug use and arrests, but seemed to be doing better. He had just put out a new solo record called Blaster, added vocals to a new band called Art of Anarchy, and then died on tour from a combination of cocaine and prescription drugs. 

Chris Cornell was as popular as ever. His latest solo album was a reflective and grown up collection of mostly-acoustic songs about life and love. He had gotten sober in 2002, and said that during the Soundgarden reunion tours the Jack Daniels and beer bottles were "just not there." The band was headlining every major festival this summer. Then he commits suicide at the age of 52, leaving behind a wife and three children. 

There's something about creative people. Perhaps they are more sensitive than the rest of us. They have the ability to capture the raw feelings most of us feel and put them into words. They experience all of life, the highs and lows. These guys sang with power and heart and you can feel what they are feeling when you listen. 

Apparently their talent comes at a personal cost. I think Robin Williams would agree. 

Some say it's just music. They're just people.

...but there's so much more to it than that. These people created something that means the world to us. These songs were there for us during our worst day, our best day, our first kiss... and everything in between. They're an old friend. Now they're gone. 

Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam is the only grunge rocker left. He seems to be in good health. Let's hope it stays that way. 

Our parents' generation still has Paul McCartney. They still have all of The Rolling Stones, somehow. They still have Frampton. The closest they could get to understanding how the grunge generation feels right now is probably John Lennon, who died in 1980 at the age of 40. You cannot help but feel like a piece of your own life has been extinguished. We will never know what the next song might have been. 

In my collection, I have all of Cornell's solo albums, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave, and dozens of songs he contributed to with other artists. I'm gonna play each of these songs all the way through and enjoy the heart and soul he poured into every note... and hope not to do the same for Pearl Jam anytime soon. 

- John Powers
@ComicJohnPowers

#FonelessFebruary

I've decided to go phoneless for the month of February. Not just "I'm not gonna check Facebook as often," but completely phoneless. It will be powerless, literally and figuratively. It will be turned off and lying in a junk drawer, because that's where it belongs. Several factors prompted this experiment. 

1. We used to not have them. There was a time in the not-so-distant past when we did not have email or social media or attention-hogging apps and games in our pockets at all times. They beg for your attention and steal valuable time away from loved ones, friends, and other recreational activities. I'd like to go back to a simpler time, if only for a month. I'd like to look around instead of down. I'd like to see birds and dogs and trees instead of the same ol' glowing screen. 
2. We may be addicted. Can you do it? We rely so heavily on these things that going a single day without a phone is a challenge. When anything has that type of control over your daily behaviors you may want to reconsider its place in your life. Do we own our phones, or do our phones own us?
3. There's nothing good on. I'm getting very tired of hearing about politics and which of my friends agree with which side. It used to be fun to see whose band was playing this weekend or which of my college roommates is getting married. Social media has become a dumping-ground for all of our opinions and whatever anyone else shares that we relate to. I don't think I will miss being bombarded with advertising or articles about the latest health craze. 

More than anything, I want to remember a time when I was truly free. Free to daydream or to be fully present in a conversation. Free to listen to music while driving without being interrupted by a text message. Free to live life without distraction. 

Let the record show I am a daily Facebook voyeur and Twitterer with a large following on both due to my former life as a Standup Comedian. I've got 18,000+ Twitter followers, some of whom expressed that they would miss me. 

I'm excited about this experiment and hopeful that it will become a yearly event where for 28 days I remind myself that there's more to life than getting a new high score on Angry Birds. 

______________________________

So... after 28 days without Facebook or Twitter (my wife convinced me that phone calls and texts were a necessity, but I deleted all social media apps), there are several things worth mentioning. 

1. I don't miss Facebook at all. It's amazing to me how suddenly and all-encompassingly this social media network snuck into the daily habits of 79% of Americans. I don't miss the political posts (the ones I agree with or not), and I don't miss the daily musings of people I am not close to. I'm trying to think about what I miss about Facebook. I guess seeing pictures of family and friends in other states is a big one, but people who knew I was doing this made it a point to text me pictures and keep in touch without Facebook. I returned to over 60 notifications and 7 messages. Also, on a daily basis after 2 weeks or so, Facebook sent me daily reminders to log in and see what I was missing. It felt good disobeying them. 
2. Twitter was harder for me to step away from than Facebook. I really enjoy sharing witty jokes in 140 characters, and I actually wrote a few down to share sometime in march ("Can whomever is writing the replacement to #Obamacare please include “$10 co-pay for PCP, $20 co-pay for specialist” #MakeCopaysGreatAgain"). Twitter is also my go-to for news and it took some getting used to not having that app to scroll through. I returned to 114 notifications. 
3. I don't feel like I actually missed anything. This past month I've felt very calm and even though I was not socially connected I felt more connected to the universe. This past weekend we took canoes down the St. Johns River and marveled in the beauty of nature. We saw turtles and birds and ducks. I've actually been less inclined to watch the news on TV this month at all. I have no idea where the latest shooting happened. I have no idea what the latest political protest is about... and frankly I don't care. 

They say it takes 21 days to form or to overcome an addiction. It seems I was not addicted to Facebook or Twitter because it's day 28 and I feel fine. I went from being a 10+ times per day user on each to 0, and it didn't hurt. There were several times that I wished I had the option, but those moments passed with little to no impact. 

#FonelessFebruary felt good. I plan to do it again next year and I'd encourage you to do the same regardless of how often you use social media. 

Obviously I realize I'm posting this on social media. I'm not blind to the benefits of the interweb. It can be a great way to market yourself and reach a huge audience. It can also be a time suck. Like anything else, moderation is key. 

Not Every Life Matters

The Black Lives Matter movement evokes the question, "Do black lives matter?" The group, in its name, is saying yes, but that is their response to the question. Asking that question may be helpful in understanding the present conflict. It also leads to other questions. Does every individual life matter? Are each of us special and interesting? Do we all have a place and purpose? 

The answer is... no. 

Let's take the race thing away for a moment. I am not writing this to prove that black lives do not matter. The racial tension in America is palpable, but black people are not uniquely unimportant. People of every skin tone are susceptible to meaninglessness. 

There are huge numbers of people out there whose lives do not matter. Take a look at any random street in any large city and you will see people whose lives do not matter.

You don't have to look far to see drug dealers, drug users, pimps, prostitutes, and other examples of humans who are not making a positive impact on the community. The good of the society as a whole does not rely on these people being alive. 

I know what you're thinking, 'those are degenerates, they don't count.' That's not true. If every life matters than everyone counts. These people are lives that do not matter. There may come a time when they clean up, get born again, and turn it all around... at that point they might matter more, but in their current state they matter not. 

For the sake of your counterpoint, I will also bring into the argument the likes of loners and cat-ladies. The guy who watches the same horror movies over and over every night and who has nothing in his life besides a few hours spent selling cigarettes at a gas station. Perhaps he makes a few customers smile when they come in. The woman who has more cats than friends; living in a litter-covered house and completely giving up on lint brushes. She matters to her cats. Well, maybe not. Cats don't really care. Either way, neither of these people matter much to society as a whole. 

How do we decide whether or not something matters? Well, that is largely subjective. I am not a fan of basketball, so it does not matter to me who the Knicks are playing, or if they win or lose. 

When people hold up sign that say "Black Lives Matter" or "All Lives Matter," I would urge you to disagree. It's about numbers. The more our population grows the less significant each human life becomes. There was a time in human history that every member of a village made a contribution and had value. They all mattered. 

Let's say there are 4 people living in a village. Each of their lives count for 25% of the whole. If one of those people dies, leaving the village at 75% output, the other 3 would each need to contribute 8.33% more to compensate. They would pick up an extra task to compensate for the loss of the fourth person. That person's life mattered to the other three people, because that person's efforts were necessary to the daily survival of that community. 

As of March, 2016, there are 7,400,000,000 people in the world. That means each life counts for 0.000000001% of the whole. That's a very low individual contribution. It would take 1,850,000,000 of us to amount to 25%. That's 500 million more people than are currently living in China. If the entire population of China died tomorrow the entire world would certainly feel the effects. If one person died tomorrow, the only people impacted would be those who cared about that one person. 

There are certainly spectrums of importance. I think we can agree that the life of a doctor who specializes in heart disease or a scientist working on a cure for cancer are undoubtedly more substantial than a loner or a cat lady. You simply cannot argue that the lives of some people matter more than the lives of others. 

As George Orwell put it in Animal Farm, "All pigs are equal... but some pigs are more equal than others." Some of us matter very much. Some of us do not matter at all. Corporate downsizing has proven that it does not matter if a company has 500 employees or 200 employees. The same work will get done. Even the loss of someone as profound as Robin Williams only impacts us for a week or two. There will never be a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire. What does it matter?

It is up to each one of us to make our lives matter. They do not matter on their own. It is not the body but the soul that gives us value and determines who we are. It is not the color of our skin but the content of our character. We each need to define what is important to us. We need to do good things and choose the right paths. If you want your life to matter, pick a cause to champion, build a great career, or cultivate a healthy family life. If your life matters to the people you spend your time with then you have succeeded in adding value to society. 

...only then will your life matter. 

Facebook is Listening

 

So... Facebook is listening to your conversations. There's no fancy or poetic way of saying it. Those 'terms of service' agreements you acknowledged when you downloaded the app updates gave Facebook access to your phone's camera and microphone (as well as pictures, video, call log, and contacts). There is literal proof that this is happening. I'll tell you my firsthand experience, but try it for yourself and be prepared to be scared. 

My wife and I were having a conversation with my brother and his wife about ADD. One of us suggested that perhaps it is a condition caused by lazy parenting, and that some attention and restrictions could make a child more patient and well-behaved... another idea was that perhaps all children struggle with a short attention span. Either way, someone noted, there are better solutions than medication.

Minutes later my wife opened the Facebook app on her phone and saw an article on ADD and the over-medication of children. 

Coincidence? Maybe. 

Later that night we get on the subject of dentistry. I explained my "dentists are quacks" theory and we slowly moved to discussions about fluoride and Tom's organic toothpaste. Finally, my brother made the point that Neanderthals did just fine without ever seeing a dentist. That's a very far-out topic and the last thing we would expect... happened. 

My wife opened her Facebook app to find an article suggestion about prehistoric dentistry. 

Still not convinced? Ok. 

We explained this phenomenon to my parents and my Dad couldn't resist testing our hypothesis. After we told him Facebook is listing for keywords in conversations he leaned close to my Mom's phone and started describing how much he wanted a new Jaguar. "You know, I am really in the market for a new Jaguar, I just don't know where to get one." 

Seconds later my Mom looked at her phone and sure enough the very first "article" Facebook suggested was an ad for a Jaguar dealership. 

...we all know that terms you search in Google are tracked and categorized (in case you murder someone and recently did a search for axes and the best place to hide a body). We have come to accept that the things we type into a computer are no longer private.

However, we have not intentionally signed up for this flagrant invasion of our privacy through our phones' microphones and cameras. Conversations that we have with other humans should be private unless we are aware that they are being recorded. Most of us have no idea that our phones are listening in on our private exchanges with loved ones and trusted companions. We have a right to know that social media companies are tracking our interests and opinions based on the things we say... while the app is not even running.

Turning off the "Background App Refresh" button is no longer an option. I have not updated my Facebook app since version 29, but my wife has version 46.

As you can see, she does not have the option to shut off Background App Refresh on her phone. It is "greyed out." That leads me to believe that Facebook is running anytime it wants, and can access the microphone, camera, or any other feature... anytime at all.

... but what are we going to do about it? Log off? Use Safari instead of the app? We are so addicted to social media that we have little recourse. We want to see our friends without calling them. We want to see our families without getting on a plane. The price of this convenience is our privacy, and we are paying dearly.

The only thing that can stop an irresponsible company from taking advantage of people is a massive shift in perspective. The people need to choose not to allow this to happen by deleting the app or turning off their phones.

... hey, it worked with MySpace!


Watch 'Facebook': A parody by John Powers



* it should be noted, this is not the first article to address the breach of privacy in the Facebook terms of service. Various news media have tried and failed to save us from ourselves. Here are several other sources that address this topic...

This article is on Facebook Messenger permissions:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sam-fiorella/the-insidiousness-of-face_b_4365645.html

This article poses the question, then quotes Facebook saying it's a myth:
http://www.webpronews.com/facebook-listens-2015-02/

This article covers Facebook identifying songs:
http://www.businessinsider.com/facebooks-new-feature-creeped-out-users-2014-6

International Business thinks we will get used to the privacy invasion:
http://www.ibtimes.com/facebook-microphone-update-electronic-surveillance-experts-react-smartphone-mic-data-1589575

Facebook got this article to correct itself and remove the word "eavesdropping":
http://www.forbes.com/sites/kashmirhill/2014/05/22/facebook-wants-to-listen-in-on-what-youre-doing/

Fourth of July Playlist

My wife and I are having family over to celebrate the 4th of July. I decided to put together a playlist for our iPod Nano, which will be docked outside for our listening pleasure. Before looking at the list below, you should know that I am a patriotic person... to a degree. I'm a believer in the ideals established by the founders of this country. This list was my attempt to have a larger and more comprehensive list than any of those I found online.

Any song in my collection that had the words "July 4th, Freedom, Star, United, America, Country..." all made it on to the list. Some are more patriotic than others, but they all have implications that relate to our country and various opinions of it... Here goes:

 

All Star -  Smash Mouth
America - Neil Diamond
America - Paul Simon
American Baby - Dave Matthews
American Cliche - Filter
American Eulogy - Green Day
American Gigolo - Weezer
American Girl - Tom Petty
American Girls - Counting Crows
American Girls - Weezer
American Idiot - Green Day
American Idiot - Richard Cheese
American Life - Primus
American Man - Velvet Revolver
American Music - The Hold Steady
American Pie - Don McLean
American Psycho - Eminem & Cypress Hill
American Witch - Rob Zombie
American Woman - The Guess Who
American Woman - Lenny Kravitz
Americana - Offspring
Awakening Americans - Alanis Morissette
Cry Freedom - Dave Matthews
Cumbersome - Seven Mary Three

(off their American Standard album!)
Falling Stars - Serj Tankian
February Stars - Foo Fighters

First Night - The Hold Steady
Flagpole Sitter - Harvey Danger
For God and Country - Smashing Pumpkins
Freedom - Jimi Hendrix
Freedom - Paul McCartney
Freedom - Rage Against the Machine
Geek U.S.A. - Smashing Pumpkins
Hurt - Johnny Cash 

(off his American IV album!)
I'm Afraid of Americans - David Bowie
Last of the American Girls - Green Day
Let Freedom Ring - The Nightwatchman
Living in America - James Brown
Lump - The Presidents of the United States
Omaha - Counting Crows
Peaches - The Presidents of the United States
Road Trippin' - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Rockin' in the Free World - Neil Young
Saturday in the Park - Chicago
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Shooting Star - Puddle of Mudd
Solidarity Forever - The Nightwatchman
Song from an American Movie - Everclear
Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix
Starz - Smashing Pumpkins
Surf Wax America - Weezer
Swing, Swing - The All-American Rejects
This is Not America - David Bowie
This Land is Your Land -  Counting Crows
This Land is Your Land - The Nightwatchman
United States - Smashing Pumpkins
We're an American Band - Rob Zombie
White America - Eminem
Young American - David Bowie
40oz to Freedom - Sublime
4th of July - Soundgarden


... you're welcome.

Mayor de Blasio Bans NYPD Guns

The Mayor warmly greets the large Jewish population of NYC

In a shocking move late yesterday evening New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio issued an order that New York Police Department officers are to be stripped of their firearms.
The new policy will go into effect the first day of next month and will be a city-wide mandate. It says that officers are no longer authorized to carry guns in public. They are also no longer authorized to receive firearm training. The only place officers may still carry a gun is safely within the walls of the Police Station. Henceforth, the NYPD must use tasers and pepper spray in all situations. In his brief statement, the Mayor expressed that, "... without guns, cops are less likely to shoot anyone." There will be some exceptions to the new anti-gun policy which will include high-profile city events and security detail. The Mayor's own bodyguards will still carry firearms with live rounds.

de Blasio being levitated by the power of anti-police sentiment

A long-time opponent of stop and frisk, de Blasio has spoken out against the NYPD on several occasions. The most recent was following the grand jury decision not to indict NYPD officer Daniel Panteleo in the death of Eric Garner. De Blasio said that he and his wife Chirlane McCray had many conversations with their mixed-race son about taking "special care in any encounters he has with the police officers who are there to protect him." The statement was criticized as being antagonistic and aligning with anti-police sentiment expressed by the likes of instigator Rev. Al Sharpton. In that crucial moment in history, the Mayor did not stand up for the people who protect his city. He instead took the side of a man selling counterfeit cigarettes. On December 20, two officers were assassinated in their patrol car. The shooter made it clear this was revenge. The NYPD feels that the Mayor is at least partially responsible for rousing anti-police sentiment. Officers responded by turning their backs on the Mayor during his eulogies of the two police officers. 

Mayor de Blasio showing support for Gay Pride Day

Boston-born Police Commissioner Bill Bratton has been guarded in his responses to these events, obviously because de Blasio appointed him, and is technically his boss. Bratton was quoted (in his thick Boston accent) as saying, "It matters not what your boss decrees, it is your duty to smile and nod until it's time to punch out and go home." The NYPD have not been so guarded, however, with many officers claiming a direct correlation between the actions of the Mayor and the resulting officer deaths. They have also turned their backs on petty crimes that are designed to bring a tax profit to the city. These crimes (summonses, parking violations) are not hurting any humans, and are mostly in place to keep officers busy meeting quotas. The police are still responding as usual to serious, life-threatening situations.

We cannot help but wonder how quick they will be to respond without a firearm.



* Disclaimer: This article is a joke. It is meant for amusement and should in no way be considered an actual report. None of the statements quoted in this article are real (except in paragraph two). De Blasio has not taken officers guns away... yet. The point of this article is to take what is currently happening to the next level as a warning of things to come if serious changes are not made in the very near future. The author has family and friends in the NYPD and has nothing but respect for our men and women in blue. The author has very little respect for politicians.

Here's a music video about NYC... Empire State of Meh

Paul McCartney is Number Two

Here's a list of number one songs written by Paul McCartney...

1963     She Loves You
1964     I Want to Hold Your Hand
1964     Can't Buy Me Love
1964     Love Me Do
1964     A Hard Day's Night
1964     I Feel Fine
1965     Help!
1965     Yesterday
1965     Ticket to Ride
1965     Eight Days a Week
1966     We Can Work it Out
1966     Paperback Writer
1967     Penny Lane
1967     All You Need is Love
1967     Hello Goodbye
1968     Hey Jude
1969     Come Together/Something *
1969     Get Back
1970     Let it Be
1970     The Long and Winding Road/For You Blue *
1971     Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey *
1973     My Love
1974     Band on the Run
1975     Listen to What the Man Said
1976     Silly Love Songs
1978     With a Little Luck
1980     Coming Up
1982     Ebony and Ivory
1983     Say Say Say
* Released as a double A-side single

There you have it.
Paul McCartney's Number 1 hits according to the Billboard Top 100.

The argument can be made that Paul McCartney has not had a number one hit (by himself) since the death of his long-time writing partner. That's not to say that Lennon was instrumental in McCartney's post-Beatles hits. Seven of the songs above (1971-1980) were written by Paul and had nothing to do with John whatsoever... but once John was no longer living, Paul stopped topping the charts.

John Lennon was shot and killed on December 8, 1980. Ebony and Ivory was a number one hit in 1982, but it was written by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder. Say Say Say was a number one hit in 1983, but it was written with a very popular artist at the time named Michael Jackson.

 
In 2012 McCartney teamed up with one of the biggest names in music, Dave Grohl, to record Cut Me Some Slack. Many Nirvana fans would never have guessed that Paul McCartney would be the next man to front a Dave Grohl/Krist Novoselic band. The song was featured on the Sound City soundtrack and performed live for the 12/12/12 Hurricane Sandy benefit concert. It won a Grammy for Best Rock Song in 2014, but failed to top the charts.

The year is now 2015 and Paul McCartney just released a song with Kanye West, called Only One. It would be an incredible feat if Sir Paul could grab one more number one hit with an icon of modern culture. The song has been described by Kim Kardashian her favorite Kanye song yet, and it is already number one on the UK charts. If Only One hits number one, it would be 32 years between number one hits for Paul McCartney. That would be a historical feat.

Obamacare Does Not Cover Ebola

 
In a shocking turn of events, several Americans have recently contracted the Ebola virus. The virus has been ravaging the West African countries of Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea since December of 2013. It is estimated that 5,000 people have died in those countries. Several cases have now been identified in the United States. The most documented case is Thomas Eric Duncan, a Liberian immigrant who brought the virus to Dallas. Nurses Nina Pham and Amber Vinson both contracted Ebola while caring for Duncan. Journalist Ashoka Mukpo contracted Ebola while covering the outbreak in Africa for NBC News, and Craig Spencer of "Doctors Without Borders" just checked in to Bellvue Hospital in New York City with Ebola.

Unfortunately for these people... the Affordable Care Act does not cover treatment of the Ebola virus. Here is an excerpt from the law that lists the pre-existing "chronic conditions" that are not covered under the new plans.

Nobody is sure what to make of Ebola in the United States. Several cases seem to have been eradicated, but many people remain skeptical and concerned. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) seems to have underestimated the precautions necessary to stop the spread of the virus. In an effort to avoid a public panic, they instead created a great mistrust of their agency. Most Americans are convinced the disease can spread when someone coughs or sneezes, and it is clear that healthcare professionals are more at risk than the general public. Regardless of how contagious the virus can be, getting care will prove to be an issue.

John Powers
Contributing Reporter
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Nirvana: 20 Years Later

Who better to write about the legacy of Nirvana than a 30-something who lived through it all? Everyone over 30 remembers feeling sad and disappointed when they heard that Kurt was dead, but only the real fans remember the whole story. The quiet guy with the sarcastic smile on the cover of every magazine. The one who didn't want to be famous who was lifted to the very peak of stardom in a very short period of time. Kurt Cobain was Nirvana. He was the spokesman of the 90's. Every high school across the nation tried to create a mosh pit at their school dance. Every kid who felt disenfranchised and ignored by the mainstream had someone they could identify with who felt exactly like they did. The legacy that Nirvana left behind is undeniable, but there are several things that most articles have left out.

1. Kurt Cobain Didn't Want to be a Star

Cobain didn't take interviews seriously. He realized it wasn't about him. He made the music and tried to let it speak for itself. He gave sarcastic Lennon-esque answers that turned an interview into a mockery. He wore old, comfortable sweaters and t-shirts with punk rock logos on them. He was just a dude. He left the serious rock and roll superstar stuff to Axel Rose. In an interview with Kurt Loder on MTV, Cobain described an run-in with Rose where he and Courtney Love asked if Axel would be their child's godfather and Axel Rose tried to pick a fight.

Rose was the iconic stereotypical rock front-man. The leather pants, the bandana, shit, even the band was named after him. Guns N' Roses might as well have been called Axel Rose and The Other Guys (who happened to be pretty damn good musicians). Nirvana was the complete opposite. They were not decked out in flashy outfits or gimmicky face makeup. They were themselves and they were fine with it.

I have read Cobain's journal. I didn't want to, but I had to. The guy didn't want fame. He intentionally misspelled his own name on their first album Bleach, in letters, and in the monkey photo courtesy on the Nevermind album art (Kurdt Kobain). The guy didn't want to be a star. He wanted people to listen to his music. He didn't want fame and fortune. He wanted to share his music with as many people as possible and he detested mainstream conformity. Everything about pop culture sickened him. 

2. His Talent Was Not Manufactured
The guy had talent. Real talent. There was no such thing as American Idol. In the 90's, you had to start in the garage and practice and write songs and then play shows and build an audience. Cobain had something inside him that made people react. He had soul. His haunting voice conveyed his personal struggle with each strained note. I still get the chills when I listen to Where Did You Sleep Last Night. He was not the best guitarist in the world, but he was an innovator. He spent years knee-deep in Melvins cassettes and had a deep respect for the musicians that came before him. His enthusiam was undeniable. The guy suffered from an unidentifiable stomach virus and was in nearly constant pain... and anyone listening to him sing could feel that pain.

3. There Was a Message

Everyone knows the anti-conformity tagline of Smells Like Teen Spirit (namely, 'f*** what they expect, do what you want!'), but there was more than that. Cobain was a deep thinker and his lyrics were a passive (and at times sarcastic) fight against inequity and established norms. He was a self-identified feminist, having witnessed the oppression of female friends and identifying a culture of women being put down. Been a Son addressed the burden of being born female. Nirvana covered the classic folk song Ain't it a Shame which mocks hypocrisy in the redneck culture. The lyric "...what else could I say, everyone is gay," in All Apologies was way ahead of its time, bringing the LGBT civil rights movement into the spotlight before there was a movement or a spotlight. Nobody pulled off sarcasm in song quite like Cobain. He was actually not forever in dept to your priceless advice. He was not apologetic at all. He was exactly who he meant to be and didn't give a damn who didn't agree. He preached a message of acceptance and being yourself above all else.

The Foo Fighters will never be Nirvana is because there is no passion. Dave Grohl is arguably one of the greatest musicians alive and his skill and versitility are always impressive... but he has nothing to say. Nirvana inspired a generation. The Foo Fighters have released more than twice as many albums but they are still not in the same league as Nirvana. Times Like These and Everlong are their most well-known songs and yet both could be described as generic love songs. They have no depth or meaning. They are literal songs to be taken at face value. The reason the Foo Fighters got radio play is because of how special Nirvana was, but Grohl has yet to acknowledge his previous band in any noticable way. I saw the Foo Fighters play at MSG on the 20th anniversary of the Nevermind album release, and although Krist Novoselic joined them on stage, he played an accordian instead of a bass and they did a Foo Fighters song and not a single track off of Nevermind.

Grohl embraced the celebrity that Nirvana rejected. He learned how to sell out. You'll see Dave Grohl at every benefit and award show and presidential banquet because he has learned the art of kissing ass and staying bland and mainstream enough to fit in with pop culture. There is nothing personal or real in any of the Foo Fighters lyrics and although they inspire a wistful reminiscence they fail to inspire the same energy that Nirvana did.

4. They're All Greatest Hits

Kurt Cobain grew up in an era without iTunes. There was a single release, typically with an interesting b-side, but every track on the album had to be just as good as the last or you would run the risk of people using the fast forward button and having their tape spin out of the casing and all over the ground. He did not believe in releasing a greatest hits album. He thought it was unfair for fans to have to pay for another album and get a bunch of song they already had. In 2002 a new Nirvana album titled Nirvana was released. It was exactly what Cobain did not want... a collection of previously released songs, with one new track to lure loyal fans into a purchase. Another greatest hits compilation was released in 2010, this one called Icon, because Courtney Love still has bills to pay.

5. Why So Serious?

Nirvana didn't expect to change the world. They were not trying to go viral on YouTube or get as many Twitter followers as possible. They did not take themselves too seriously and it came across in their music (and their music videos). Kurt Cobain's first demo was titled, "Fecal Matter," and although it wasn't shit, it showed that he was aware that it was raw and unrefined music. This playful attitude made the band seem real. Just a couple of good friend laughing and joking and making some kick-ass rock and roll.

It's incredible that it's been 20 years since he died. Most people my age probably felt old when 20 years had passed since Nevermind was released. It's a not-so-subtle reminder of our own mortality and yet this is a band that shaped our youth. Their songs inspired us and let us jump and scream and rebel and lash out and more importantly than anything else... they made us feel understood. It does not go without saying that Nirvana has enriched the lives of millions of young people that grew up in the 90's and the music continues to reach new generations of music lovers even 20 years later. I look forward to one day sharing Nirvana with my kids when they start to question authority and feel isolated in the strange world that is teenagedom.

- John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Subway Yoga Mat Sandwich™

Comic John Powers with Jared, the Subway Guy

Ever since Subway unveiled it's Yoga Mat Sandwich™ sales at the fast-food sub shop have plummeted. It seems that suddenly people care more about their health then they do about getting fast food at a decent price. Above is a picture of Jared (the Subway Guy) Fogle and myself at a Subway restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It was a busy lunchtime hour but Jared and I were the only ones indulging in the tasty Subway cuisine. 

Subway has long stood behind the catchphrase "Eat Fresh," suggesting that they provide fresh ingredients and a healthier alternative to the Big Mac, the Whopper and Taco Bell mystery meat. They even teamed up with Olympian Michael Phelps in an attempt to appeal to athletes and stoners alike. 

Some people were shocked to find that the bread at subway actually contains the same ingredients as a yoga mat. Kristen Delfonte of Brooklyn said, "I can't believe it. The bread always smells so fake and rubbery when I walk past the store. It's just a complete shock to find out there's azodicarbonamide in there."

Robert Erlens was astounded to learn that adding Chipotle Mayo adds 500 calories. "I was astounded to learn that adding Chipotle Mayo adds 500 calories. They say it's less calories than other fast food joints... yeah, if you order a plain 6-inch with no cheese! Who does that?! When I order a foot-long sub, I want it to have the works! I'm talking double-meat, double cheese, and a bunch of soggy peppers and pickles and stuff!"

A woman in line who asked not to be identified ordered a 6-inch Italian. Right after she said that, Jared tapped her on the shoulder and winked. When we caught up with him after the incident he replied, "It's actually 4 and a half inches."

The Yoga Mat Sandwich™ at Subway

No matter how big it is, people are not happy that Subway bread is not simply made of yeast and flour. The chemicals and additives in our fast food may keep it fresh longer, bake the bread higher, or make the french fries tastier, but we no longer care about any of that. Gone are the days when the consumer will blindly gobble whatever is available in a 2-mile radius of their office. We demand more than artificial rubber yoga mat bread. We want a healthy sandwich, prepared fresh, with real ingredients. 

...and no, we don't want it "toatsted."

Namaste.
- John Powers
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Putin Withdraws From Olympics

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced today that he will not be attending the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi. After nearly a year of attempting to block homosexual athletes from participating and gay fans from attending (with threats of arrest and other persecution), the president has decided that as a gay man himself, it would be massively hypocritical to show up at the Olympics.

Mr. Putin, like many homosexuals, was afraid to come out amidst such anti-gay sentiment is his own government. He stayed in the closet and used blatant homophobia as a shield to protect himself from unwanted bullying and criticisms. Finally, his secret became too much to bear and he decided to come out. We here in America applaud Mr. Putin for his courage and honesty. The announcement was followed by a liberating bare-chested horseback ride. 

His official press release read, "We are not forbidding anything. Anything goes. There is no punishment for such kinds of relations. To paraphrase Maclemore & Lewis, 'he keeps me warm.' We want everyone with strange and unusual sexual impulses to feel relaxed and calm, but leave children alone please."

When asked how it felt to hide his sexuality for so long, Mr. Putin replied, "What, are we supposed to follow along like obedient lapdogs, towards whatever consequences await? We have our own traditions, our own culture. We have respect for all of our international partners and ask that they also respect our own traditions and culture." Once off-camera, the Russian president picked up his pink martini and gingerly sucked the beverage through a thin blue straw. 

When asked how he felt about the president's statements, esteemed Russian boxer Drago simply replied, "I will break him."

Security has already been a concern with many fearing there will be a terrorist attack at the Sochi Olympic Games. There have also been reports of the local government killing stray dogs. Things are very queer in Russia, but one thing is for sure, it is a comfort to know that the President will hold himself to the same standards as the athletes the entire world will be watching. 

ConEd Disturbs Gramercy

What sounds like gunshots are currently exploding outside of Gramercy Row apartments on 22nd street between Lexington and Third Avenue in Manhattan, New York. As you can see by the videotape, a Baruch security guard is standing idly by and doing nothing about the jarring noise. Every seven seconds (nearly exactly) you can hear a sound like a gunshot going off coming from a Con Edison work site. The electric company has been doing underground work in this spot for many months and it appears the site was not properly secured for water damage. The recent snowfall seems to have penetrated the metal plates covering the site and caused an underground electrical issue resulting in an explosion every seven seconds. What you are hearing in the video is actual audio from the scene. Although we are not certain at this time whether or not this is a dangerous area, it is currently roped off with "FIRE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape, and anyone passing by is certain to be startled by the abrupt noise.

We will have more for you as this story develops.

* update: As of 9:15am on Thursday, February 7th, Con Edison trucks have closed down the street and have removed the metal plates to fix the issue. 

John Powers
Local Reporter
http://www.johnjpowers.com

Day 2: Resolution

Today is January 2nd, which means day 2 without a cigarette. There are millions of people around the world telling themselves that they can do it this time. Day 2 came quick and soon it will be day 3. I don't really need to smoke, but I really want to. 

All around the world quitters are giving in today. They are making excuses for going back to their addiction. They are saying, "resolutions are stupid anyway," and, "I'll quit when I'm damn ready," and, "it was a good idea but we all know it's not gonna happen." 

My resolution is resolute. My mind is made up. This time is for real. I'll just drink more. I'll chew gum. I already bought 4 bags of sunflower seeds. That will get me through the weekend. I don't feel too bad. I really want a cigarette but I don't really need one. My friend Peter is going outside now. He didn't bother with a quitting resolution. He knows it's bullshit. I could bum a butt from him and feel that familiar tingle in no time. 

...but I won't. I don't need it. Already the poison is draining from my pores and leaving my system. By the end of the week I will be breathing better and feeling healthier. All I need is a month. It's cold outside anyhow. If I can last a month this time will be the last. This time is for real and I am no longer a smoker. 

I'm a quitter. 

...but nobody likes a quitter. 

Celebrity for a Day

Well, my article went viral.
Great. Now I can check that off my list.

The reporter from the New York Post nearly orgasmed when I assured him it was true. The reporter from Metro NY said, "I wish 100,000 people saw something I wrote." My article was discussed on Inhabitat and Gothamist. Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly both publicly dismissed my article, and even the New York City Department of Transportation had to make a statement on their Facebook page (below) to clear up any confusion. Over 250,000 saw it. It was really a wild couple of days.

... but nothing in my life has changed. I did not make any money off of this. I did not get a gig writing for the Onion. Edward Snowden did not call me. I will not be on Letterman tonight. Yet it feels good that so many people reacted to an idea that I came up with. It wasn't a hoax. It was a not-so-far-fetched story based on an exaggeration of reality. It was a clever idea and feasible enough that quite a few people thought it was real. I now know the secret of going viral. Where do I go from here? Hopefully someone will realize that social media prowess is powerful and find a way to turn one of the hardest-working comedians in New York City into a media cash cow. At the very least I will laugh anytime I see a Citi Bike. I'll always have this moment in time to look back on and feel good about the fact that what I wrote had an impact on people.

I was talking about it with a friend on the bus and a woman turned around and said, "are you guys talking about the cameras on the CitiBikes? My friend in Albuquerque told me about that..." I laughed for about an hour.

Here are a few of my favorite posts...

Cigarette "Flickers" Terrorizing Manhattan

An apparent follow-up craze to the "Knockout Game," has finally arrived in the Big Apple. Pedestrians in New York City have recently taken to flicking cigarettes at people walking by. These butt-snipers are now being referred to as "Flickers." Reports of "Flicking" have spread throughout the five boroughs. It seems there is no clear motive for the attacks. Instead of discarding a cigarette butt in the proper receptacles or adding to the litter in the streets, these assailants take a lit cigarette and flick it at an unsuspecting passerby. The Flickers seem to attack indiscriminately and even haphazardly.

They appear to be ordinary smokers, about to finish a cigarette, but then it flies your way. Attacks range from point-blank range at 2 feet to an impressive 10-foot fling by highly skilled Flickers. There is no pattern to the type of cigarettes being flicked either. It seems like these sidewalk terrorists are seeking to punish the city that has shunned them. A report filed by one Flicker (who refused to be identified) informed this reporter that, "(Mayor) Bloomberg has done everything in his power to make this city uninhabitable for smokers. We can't smoke in bars or parks but we can still smoke in the streets and if I see the Mayor I'm going to flick my Newport right at him."

At least 25 people have been targeted by Flickers in the past several months. Anita, a 24-year old fashion student living in Tribeca, claims to have been the victim of a Flicker last Friday night around 2am. When I asked about the encounter she told me,

"I was walking down 2nd avenue and a guy walking towards me was smoking. As he approached he took one last drag from his cigarette and then flicked it right at me. It landed in the hood of my jacket. I had to take my jacket off and find the damn thing. My friends were laughing hysterically. I wasn't hurt, but it left a pretty serious burn mark."

While clearly not as serious as being punched from behind, cigarette Flicking poses a very serious danger to pedestrians. A lit cigarette is a fire hazard and should be disposed of properly. Human hair is highly flammable, as is most clothing and millions of cigarettes are consumed daily in Manhattan alone. There is not much that can be done about this problem, but local police are aware of the situation. Mayor-Elect Bill De Blasio had this to say, "We always knew smokers were terrible people. It doesn't surprise me at all that these Flickers think they can get away with hurting innocent people."

New York has been the target of several violent trends, the latest being the Knockout Game. It has many people looking over their shoulders. Well, the next time you walk past someone smoking... make sure to give them space. If they are done with their smoke it just may come your way. You will probably not end up in a hospital but you may have to purchase a new scarf.

- John Powers