Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Subway Yoga Mat Sandwich™

Comic John Powers Jared Fogle Subway Yoga Mat Sandwich
Comic John Powers with Jared, the Subway Guy

Ever since Subway unveiled it's Yoga Mat Sandwich™ sales at the fast-food sub shop have plummeted. It seems that suddenly people care more about their health then they do about getting fast food at a decent price. Above is a picture of Jared (the Subway Guy) Fogle and myself at a Subway restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It was a busy lunchtime hour but Jared and I were the only ones indulging in the tasty Subway cuisine. 

Subway has long stood behind the catchphrase "Eat Fresh," suggesting that they provide fresh ingredients and a healthier alternative to the Big Mac, the Whopper and Taco Bell mystery meat. They even teamed up with Olympian Michael Phelps in an attempt to appeal to athletes and stoners alike. 

Some people were shocked to find that the bread at subway actually contains the same ingredients as a yoga mat. 
Kristen Delfonte of Brooklyn said, "I can't believe it. The bread always smells so fake and rubbery when I walk past the store. It's just a complete shock to find out there's azodicarbonamide in there."

Robert Erlens was astounded to learn that adding Chipotle Mayo adds 500 calories. "I was astounded to learn that adding Chipotle Mayo adds 500 calories. They say it's less calories than other fast food joints... yeah, if you order a plain 6-inch with no cheese! Who does that?! When I order a foot-long sub, I want it to have the works! I'm talking double-meat, double cheese, and a bunch of soggy peppers and pickles and stuff!"

A woman in line who asked not to be identified ordered a 6-inch Italian. Right after she said that, Jared tapped her on the shoulder and winked. When we caught up with him after the incident he replied, "It's actually 4 and a half inches."

Comic John Powers Jared Fogle Subway Yoga Mat Sandwich
The Yoga Mat Sandwich™ at Subway

No matter how big it is, people are not happy that Subway bread is not simply made of yeast and flour. The chemicals and additives in our fast food may keep it fresh longer, bake the bread higher, or make the french fries tastier, but we no longer care about any of that. Gone are the days when the consumer will blindly gobble whatever is available in a 2-mile radius of their office. We demand more than artificial rubber yoga mat bread. We want a healthy sandwich, prepared fresh, with real ingredients. 

...and no, we don't want it "toatsted."

- John Powers

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Putin Withdraws From Olympics

Gay Vladimir Putin Russia Sochi Olympics 2014 Ban Arrest People Kill Stray DogsRussian President Vladimir Putin announced today that he will not be attending the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi. After nearly a year of attempting to block homosexual athletes from participating and gay fans from attending (with threats of arrest and other persecution), the president has decided that as a gay man himself, it would be massively hypocritical to show up at the Olympics.

Mr. Putin, like many homosexuals, was afraid to come out amidst such anti-gay sentiment is his own government. He stayed in the closet and used blatant homophobia as a shield to protect himself from unwanted bullying and criticisms. Finally, his secret became too much to bear and he decided to come out. We here in America applaud Mr. Putin for his courage and honesty. The announcement was followed by a liberating bare-chested horseback ride. 

Gay Vladimir Putin Russia Sochi Olympics 2014 Ban Arrest People Kill Stray DogsHis official press release read, "We are not forbidding anything. Anything goes. There is no punishment for such kinds of relations. To paraphrase Maclemore & Lewis, 'he keeps me warm.' We want everyone with strange and unusual sexual impulses to feel relaxed and calm, but leave children alone please."

When asked how it felt to hide his sexuality for so long, Mr. Putin replied, "What, are we supposed to follow along like obedient lapdogs, towards whatever consequences await? We have our own traditions, our own culture. We have respect for all of our international partners and ask that they also respect our own traditions and culture." Once off-camera, the Russian president picked up his pink martini and gingerly sucked the beverage through a thin blue straw. 

When asked how he felt about the president's statements, esteemed Russian boxer Drago simply replied, "I will break him."

Security has already been a concern with many fearing there will be a terrorist attack at the Sochi Olympic Games. There have also been reports of the local government killing stray dogs. Things are very queer in Russia, but one thing is for sure, it is a comfort to know that the President will hold himself to the same standards as the athletes the entire world will be watching. 

ConEd Disturbs Gramercy

What sounds like gunshots are currently exploding outside of Gramercy Row apartments on 22nd street between Lexington and Third Avenue in Manhattan, New York. As you can see by the videotape, a Baruch security guard is standing idly by and doing nothing about the jarring noise. Every seven seconds (nearly exactly) you can hear a sound like a gunshot going off coming from a Con Edison work site. The electric company has been doing underground work in this spot for many months and it appears the site was not properly secured for water damage. The recent snowfall seems to have penetrated the metal plates covering the site and caused an underground electrical issue resulting in an explosion every seven seconds. What you are hearing in the video is actual audio from the scene. Although we are not certain at this time whether or not this is a dangerous area, it is currently roped off with "FIRE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape, and anyone passing by is certain to be startled by the abrupt noise.

We will have more for you as this story develops.

* update: As of 9:15am on Thursday, February 7th, Con Edison trucks have closed down the street and have removed the metal plates to fix the issue. 

John Powers
Local Reporter